Monday, September 09, 2019


♥ Elissa

i hate the hate this world has.
i hate the hate the people have for each other.
i hate that hate exists.
i hate how hate is so toxic.
i hate what hate does for one another.
i hate how hate became the new norm.
i hate how many lives are lost because of the hate.

The World We Live In

there is this guy i believe he's a news report for florida, and he's been tweeting a lot about a ferry boat moving bahamians to florida. for those who dont know hurricane dorian damaged a lot of the northern islands of the bahamas, and let's just say everyone is needing a lot of help.

people were being transported from one of the islands over to florida, but a lot of problems occurred. apparently, over hundred people who got on that boat (who waited several hours to get on it) werent allowed anymore because they didnt have visas. even though, everyone thought all they needed was their passport and government papers (like all the other times before). but something changed and a lot got kicked off the boat.

i do not understand why any of this happened or why people didnt informed others until after the fact. like why move all these people on to the boat, if it wasnt going to happen anyways?! this is mind boggling to me, why reject people when all the other times they didnt need visas, but now they do?!

this reporter even have tweets saying that he got yelled at for recording. yes he has videos of people directly from this ferry boat, telling the world how it is. and he's being the one getting yelled at for sharing what actually is happening?!

what ive also been reading, the reason why they needed visas because it was a natural disaster that occurred, which was the hurricane. but im sorry, how or why does that change the rules from going to one country to the next, when all the other times they never needed a visa?

and something that trump changed the reasoning to visas, because he didnt want bad people from bahamas to enter US (see tweet)

(when i saw these tweets last night, i screen shot a lot of them and added them to my instagram story. i also have been updating the story with new tweets from this guy. so ive been following what he has been saying.)

my instagram has stories which will be removed after 24 hours or so, but a friend was sending me messaging in respond to what my stories had said. for the most part he was shocked, as a bahamian himself he was shocked of what was happening. and these are the messages i sent him:

"I feel like if a different president was in charge, like Obama, it would have gone very differently but for the better. i just hate seeing people being refused after the fact. and it's like they made their journey and now they arent allowed anymore. (i thought they made it to florida and then got removed, but they couldnt even leave the port in freeport before leaving because they didnt have their visas.) Like who does that. Even reading comments on twitter as to why many wont donate to the bahamas at all, makes my heart hurt even more. My donation will be happening when im on vacation but that was planned before the hurricane hit. like i was planned months ago." 

"And my donations have to do with items for Lend A Hand Bahamas and Boost Academy. But that doesnt stop me from spreading Lend A Hand Bahamas hurricane relief donate link all over twitter and facebook."

"There's so many people out here that are basically just too good for everyone and rather live with a stick up their ass. When they could i dunno help out the best they could so everyone can benefit from it."

"Yeah. It makes my heart hurt even more when people just dont care what's happening or care they're apart of the problem. I myself can only do so much until my stuff isnt good enough to change anything. So i move on to something else until my help isnt needed anymore. It's a battle we live in, trying to fight for what's right and trying to stop the hate from  happening. It just sucks when you can only do so much and get attacked and hated along the way."

"A lot of times people stop caring after ay a hurricane hits. But those people dont realized all the damage that has caused. And knowing a lot of the islands still havent been fixed from past hurricanes, it's like they need our help even more."

"And i keep on saying this but youd think in 2019 someone would have been able to fix the power outages that bahamas keeps on having. No one should be living like that. Pretty much every time im in vacation the power goes off. And it's like why cant they solve this problem. Maybe today's children will be the solvers of that major problem in bahamas."

p.s. there's an article that is more in depth of what happened.

Friday, September 06, 2019

Donate Now - Lend A Hand Bahamas

let the picture do the talking:

yes, you are seeing that correctly. i got blocked on twitter for leaving a donation link. it's quite a sad world we live in, that people like the dude above will block people in trying to help a country out. 

for those who would like to donate to a trust worthy website from a local bahamian company/charity, click here.

for those who would like to buy items from amazon to help out with the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian, click here.

for those who would like to help period and not sure how, more information here.

follow/support Lend A Hand Bahamas:

a better picture of my picture:

it's that time again - 2

im a little late for this but here it goes (from aug 27th):

Natural Empress - 2

im sharing this video because it needs to be listened too. you may need to check in on it every so often so it doesnt freeze on you like it does to me. i listen to these live videos after the fact (days later) than when they are actually live. i dont really want to draw attention to myself that im watching it live, mostly because i do have haters, and this video pretty much explains what ive dealt with over the years.

i have briefly talked about the hate that ive received from the country that used to be my happy place. im pretty much hated by default because of the colour of my skin, well in this case the lack of colour i have. i also am hated because im not from there and im a female. the sad part of all this, is that a) this was my happy place of 20 years, ive been going since i was 9. b) ive tried to do so much for this country, i even had a blog about the artists that came there (i deleted it because i got tired of the unwanted attention i was receiving). c) i tried to change something that i didnt like, but most people didnt believe me it was happening. d) i didnt have a voice and i pretty much still dont. e) this topic will always bring tears to my eyes, because it has hurt me so fucking bad. and yes im going to swear because that is how much ive been hurting for so many months.

the reason why im writing this blog post, because i have so many thoughts about this video that it honestly makes me mad and frustrated with life. and im tired of seeing this hate that this country so loves to give out.

and yes i know that this talk show is basically about freeing your mind, but why all the hate? my heart hurts for the people who were on this show, and even the little baby that doesnt know what this world is like. and i pray this child doesnt have a rough childhood or life that so many people have.

it annoys me to the fullest when people say you have to be rich or privileged in order to volunteer... or you have to become friends with white people to live a better life or whatever. or that if you're white you're rich/privileged.. and it's like no the world doesnt work like that at all.

yes, you can say that if you have money you can donate, but that doesnt mean you have to be rich to donate.

when it comes to donating money, i personally am unable to do so because i dont have money to donate. when it comes to donating objects like say books, clothing, toys, etc im all for that, and i will donate what i no longer use or havent used. for most of my life i have donated my room to a local charity that doesnt just help the city but helps people from around the world. i have also donated my time when i was younger and healthier to help out at the building (hanging up clothing, filling hygiene and school bags). since 2018, ive been donating items to Lend A Hand Bahamas and Boost Educational Services which is now Boost Academy, when im on vacation. we can only pack so much because there is a weight limit, but we do what we can to help out. and this time around it's even going to be a greater pile of donations to help with the new and first school year at Boost Academy.

after i listened to this video, i felt very sad for my friend who was taking in all these attacks on her. it brought up the attacks i had on myself from people who didnt like me or what i was doing. and it's like how long does one have to wait for the world in this case the country to be a better place?! cant people see what she is doing in this country and she's still being hated?! like ive been admiring her from a far, and when we are able to see each other in person i am so grateful for the time to spend with her. she's living a dream i wish i could or would be doing by now, but well im not able too nor do i have the thick skin for it. just thinking or talking about all the wonderful things she has done in her life and for the country to make it better, brings tears to my eyes. because this is a hard working female who wants a better life for everyone, and she's continually being hated and attacked because of where she comes from.

and it makes sense why i continue being hated and attacked because im trying to change this hateful world into a loving one. everything i do is wrong for so many people, im fake and im a joke to most, and it's hard to be myself the loving person i am, when i am constantly being hated.

and this video shows that it's not just me that this happens to, and it's not just behind the scenes either, it happens to everyone doesnt matter what colour you are or where you are from. when haters are in power, hate rules, and it's very hard to live in this world knowing this hate exists.

p.s. i wrote this on my friend's wall after i listened to the video:
"i just want to let you know that ive been listening to you on Free Ya Mind (im behind on my listening) and i feel yah. the attacks that you continue to get because you are a white canadian female, and you have been living there for 10+ years or so, and still nothing has changed?! you arent the problem or the reason why people are hating. you have a much thicker skin than i do but you actually live there and i dont. you are very much loved from myself and my mom for all that you do. not only are we proud of what youve accomplished in your life but we are very proud of you and jay for changing the country for the better. you will always have me cheering you on from where i am. and youll always have my support that im able to offer. ♥" 

GuardianTalkRadio - "Free Ya Mind" 4pm to 6pm (eastern time, so it's 2pm to 4pm mountain time).

What People Dont Know

1.) the relationship i had that was long distance and in two different countries as well, is very much over and will not continue.

2.) that relationship ended in march 2019.

3.) vacation is the end of sept 2019, and ill be going to the country where my ex is from and lives.

4.) this country was my happy place for 20 years. because of the relationship & and the break up, and the amount of hate ive received from being involved with the music side for 3 years, it's no longer my happy place.

5.) because this country is no longer my happy place, im pretty much lost in my own world. ive planned and planned for so many things that had to do with me some how end up living there, being more involved with that country, and maybe one day get married there. and since how everything basically crumbled before me, the love is no longer, and i dont know who i am, life has been pretty much shitty.

6.) like ive said, vacation is coming up and im not really looking forward to it. i havent been for many months. the main reason why im going, because i have a prior arrangement that i made with my friends the year before. and i became friends with them before i had a bahamian boyfriend. and out of this whole break up that i had, i am still friends with them. and those two friends of mine, are still the ones who have made me feel welcomed and that i have a purpose in life. while the other friends who i thought were my friends from that country, majority of them i cant say are my friends. and it's very shitty to know that everything that ive done over the past 20 years, all the connections that ive made and people i became friends with, was pretty much a lie. and it's makes me very heart broken and in tears to admit that, but that's how ive felt most of this year. so when you have two people in your life who are very much involved with that country (who are on your side), you do your best to focus your vacation only on them.

7.) this coming vacation ill be giving away my art to my friends (two people ive mentioned above), giving away two different artists if they remember or have time to see me (i cant say if we are even friends, but i told them i have art for them). i also will be donating items to Lend A Hand Bahamas as well as my friend's new school Boost Academy (stems from the foundation of Boost Educational Services). so im very proud and happy for the wonders of the work that my friends are involved with, for making this country a better one. and i believe my mom is going to be teaching an art class to the students of this new school.

8.) besides donating items, ill be meeting my friends' baby for the first time. so im extremely happy for that, plus she most likely will be getting spoiled from my mom and i.

9.) because of the year that ive had, i decided to basically stop talking to people. im tired of having one sided conversations, where's it's always me starting the convo or me keeping the convo going. what ive learned, that most of the people who i believe were my friends, it was me who did all the talking or it was me who started the conversations, or it was me doing this and that. and it's like enough is enough. why is it always me, and not others who are wanting to talk to me or wanting to have me involved or whatever. i got tired of it, i put my foot down, and i said no im not going to be this person who has only one sided conversations with people. if people dont want to send me messages or even tweet to me, it's their loss. im not going to go out of my way to have a conversation with people who dont like me or even want to have one.

10.) and with this whole break up thing i had back in march, i also removed a shit load of friends from my facebook account, unfollowed a lot of people on instagram and twitter as well. i removed myself basically from everything you can say, and barely anyone decided to message or me or asked me what's wrong or what's up. and it's like this just explains volumes. i know where i stand in people's lives and it's the place where i dont exist.

11.) and for the blogging world out there, i also deleted 2 blogs i had this year. one that i created back in 2017, and one i created for fun this year. and the one i created in 2017, i learned that people didnt use it for what i created it for, which is pretty sad, because all the socials you need to follow someone was right there. a lot of information was giving on that blog and it wasnt used for personal use or gain. i also received a lot of hate from it as well. which is sad, because i was doing something good for this country to show that you are noticed, people do know you, and you had fans from all over.

12.) also, speaking about this country that was once my happy place, i never thought in a million years i would be hated by a country i loved so much, by default because of my skin colour. i also never thought id be hated because i didnt actually live there, and because i was a female. i didnt choose the colour of my skin, i didnt choose the location of where i was born, nor did i choose the gender i am. and because of all that, i was hated by default every damn day. i also wasnt accepted in a lot of groups, because i wasnt from this country. even tho i knew a lot of stuff that was happening daily. the information i knew, the knowledge that i had, the support i had to offer, even the love i had, nothing was good enough. people added me because they felt sorry for me or it was a pity add, or they were pushed into adding me because of the amount of mutuals i had with them. people didnt want me nowhere near their country. i couldnt take the hate anymore, i couldnt take any of this anymore. this happy place of mine, doesnt exist, because this country is filled with hate. nothing i did or say was good enough to show the good side of this country. i have failed miserably.

13.) i used to love being online, either on instagram, twitter, or even facebook. but this year it's been blah. i dont really care anymore if i miss days being on facebook, nor care if im even playing the facebook games that ive played pretty much every day for years. these games arent filling the emptiness in my heart, nor are they really distracting me from my own life anymore. instagram has been a shit app since they keep on changing the layout. days go by and i dont get notifcations anymore. twitter, my traffic posts get the most attention but people still cant even follow that properly. and facebook, it's like what's the use anymore. the main reason why i havent deleted my facebook because ive had it for 7 years, and i have a lot of pictures on it and i have friends on there as well that arent on other social media sites. plus it's a way to connect with people as well.

14.) i also need a new phone, since facebook keeps on telling me i need to upgrade my phone. and a lot of my apps that i use either dont work anymore or have a crap load of loading issues which is annoying and a hassle. but the reason why i havent gotten a new phone, because i need my phone to go on vacation to meet up with my friends. i probably will be getting a new phone next year, since this year i already got a lot of new things that i needed and i dont have the funds for a new phone. and my phone still works with texting and phone calls. but ive had my phone for 6 years and it's very out dated.

15.) ill be 30 in novemeber and i still have pretty much nothing to show for it. my cousin recently got married and her wedding was different, and you got to learn about the life between the two and all the amazing work they have accomplished and have achieved. and it's like if this is the way to get married and you had to have so many degrees and jobs/careers in your life before you get married, i wouldnt ever qualify because i dont even work. and my cousin is 30 she turned in may, and it's like he already have done all of this in her life and she has loads of friends, and now she's married. and it's like i struggle just to keep friends, i dont even work nor drive, and im still not married. and it's like yay me, im one of the most boringest person to ever live.

16.) id like a new year please.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Natural Empress

i wrote this on the facebook page, and i felt like sharing it with everyone:

i am a canadian (born and raised) and i cant get enough of your show (free yah mind). ive been listening to you since jay became a part of the show. even when he isnt there, and i am free, i'll be listening to the live videos on here (facebook). i may not be listening while you are live, but i do get around to listening them mostly at night, when im not sleeping. anyways, i just wanted to say that i love you and your soul that you have.

there are certain topics that do get talk about, and yes for the most part they usually arent talk about, but because of your show, you're able to make it happen. you keep your show fresh, real and 100% honest. which i admire very much, because you are true to yourself, your guests are true to themselves as well, and everyone is basically free to be themselves.

a lot of people dont like the religious part or some may not agree with each other. some may not be able to agree to disagree either, but there is a passion and a heart on this show. and people who dont like the show, i wouldnt be surprised if they continue to listen or return another day.

im here writing this because i felt hurt when people told you to go back home to where you came from. you are home, the bahamas is your home. you make home where ever you are, because you bring your country with you. you are your country and you make up your country as well. you even school jay on how to say things in bahamian dialect when he should know how because's he's a bahamian. but im the one to talk because i have a hard time just speaking period, and i always am saying things wrong.

i also want to say that you are doing wonders for your country even if people are not able to grasp or see what you are doing. i have been admiring you and your show from a far (i am even two hours behind you too). ive learned so much about what is happening in and around the bahamas. i hope more people will continue or recommend this show of yours to everyone around them, because i believe they need to hear what is being said. you have a powerful show that is changing people's lives, every day (for the better).

i just wanted to say a huge thanks for being part of my life, and hopefully one day i'll be able to meet you face to face in person. knowing me, there's a good chance ill cry, but afterwards, i most likely would ask you for your autograph.

continue on being you and letting your voice be heard.

facebook - i use the facebook page to watch/listen to the live videos, because you get to listen to more of the discussion that is happening when they arent on air.
instagram - i believe instagram has a live video as well when it's show time.
GuardianTalkRadio - "Free Ya Mind" 4pm to 6pm (eastern time, so it's 2pm to 4pm mountain time).

p.s. ive been listening to the show on guardian radio not when it was on hot 91.7fm.

Monday, August 26, 2019

The Versatile Blogger Award

[Rules of The Versatile Blogger Award:
- Write a post about your nomination and display the logo on your site. Thank the person who nominated you in your post, and provide a link to their blog.
- Write seven facts about yourself.
- Nominate 15 other bloggers for the award.]

Thank You:
this is my first time being nominated for this award, that i know of. i cant say ive read every single blog post that is out there, but for the most part i believe this is my first one. that being said, i want to thank my wonderful blogger friend Charli for nominating me. she and i have a lot in common that we have learned either from commenting on her blog posts or chatting it up on twitter.

the versatile blogger award is given to the bloggers by bloggers who have unique content. if you liked to know more about this award you can read here.

7 Facts:
- recently i have changed my dominate writing/art hand because i needed to change my eye dominance
- out of all my social media accounts, i am the most popular on twitter.
- i dont seek attention i just like to be recognized or mentioned every now and then.
- i stop doing/quit things or delete things that makes me depressed.
- i have a hard time picking actually facts of me not something i randomly pick to distract you are that it's not really a fact.
- my traffic tweets gets the most impressions compare to my other tweets.
- love & support is what i do best.

My Nominees:

Blogger Recognition Award - #3

write a blog post
acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
give a brief story as to why you started your blog
give two pieces of advice to new bloggers
nominate 11 other bloggers who deserve the award]

Thank You:
id like to thank Black Pistachio for nominating me for this award, it's quite an honor to keep on being nominated for these blogging awards. i admire Black Pistachio for being a friend and just telling you how it is. she's a beauty and a lifestyle blogger.

Why Did I Start My Blog?
- ive had this blog since aug 2016, because i was pissed off at the world. i was tired of people commenting on my posts and ruin the post itself. people always had to give their two cents or their advice on my venting posts when i didnt ask for any. my friend suggested blogging, so i can use the platform just to vent and not needing comments ruining my posts or anything. i can just speak what i want and when i want, and go from there. surprisingly, it got a lot of views quickly. so it was nice to know that i wasnt alone, and a lot of people can relate to what i was talking about. i also had the ability to turn off my comments (which have been turned off since i created the blog, i have no plans on turning them on).

and to know more about my blogs as to why i have 4, you can read the rest of the story here

My Advice:
Be yourself. you dont need to be just like everyone else in the blogging world, nor be someone you're not either. just be yourself and stay true to yourself and youd be amazed of how many others are like you.
Traffic. traffic is key to help you get known as blogger. i recommend using twitter for your blog, and leaving your blog links all over twitter. have it in your pinned tweet, leave your links in blogging threads, and having others tweet your blog posts as well. just keep that traffic coming. 

My Nominees:

Friday, August 23, 2019

it's that time again

to have my hair coloured!!!!!

this picture is from aug 9th:

the hair colour used to look like this (end of march):

april 2nd was the first time i washed my hair from getting it dyed (end of march):

going back to my before picture (from august 9th):

aug 22nd i got my hair dyed again:

Alter Ego's Hair Co.

p.s. i get my hair coloured and style by Halie

Monday, August 19, 2019

Eye Dominance - 2

moving on from this rant about my eye sight and how much i hate it. ive taken it upon myself to switch my eye dominance, which honestly isnt that hard to do because im ambidextrous (i use both hands in every day life). i fish with my left hand and i play archery with my left as well. and at a young age, we had a day in school where we were supposed to use our opposite hand, so really ive been training to use my left my whole life.

ive already learned that i can paint with my opposite hand (left), because when my right hand up to my chest was in a lot of pain, i used my left to give my right a break. and well i was amazed at what i could do, so i did a second picture with my left hand as well.

and ive been practicing my writing as well, which is actually interesting because ive been finding ways to write the letters either backyards, the other direction, or an easier way of writing them.

i also started to sketch my own hand (i used to do this all the time with my right hand to kill time, in church actually.)

you can tell which hand i did first and the improvement hand. and afterwards, i started doodling faces which turned out a whole lot better than i thought it would. i cant do this with my right hand that well, and i havent been able to draw people like this since grade 6.

i moved on to using markers and making my own people... which turned out really well because i ended up being on a roll. the guy with braces tho, i did use my right hand just to colour in the picture, because i had a marker that was dying on me.


i also went back to painting with my left hand and see what i could do:


i most likely will continue to use my left hand in writing, colouring, and painting as well.

By Love Elissa 

Eye Dominance

for those who have been reading my blog since the start and up to now, youll noticed that i kinda actually stopped blogging about my eye balls and the crappy vision i have. the reason for this i well they are my eye balls and they have crappy vision. it doesnt matter how many times ive written about contacts, glasses, surgery, and glasses, it doesnt change my vision at all. it also doesnt matter how many eye doctors ive seen, trying to make my vision the vision it should be after surgery (had surgery 2 years ago).

i can tell you many times that i regret having surgery because it gave me even more vision problem than i already had. and yes i did hate wearing glasses, and i did hate going through the process of all that, and the pain i receive from the glasses i had. i hated pretty much everything about the glasses i had minus the titanium nose pads, and the fact that i can remove my glasses and can get away from what i see. that's the thing that people dont understand or realize, that simple step of removing your glasses does wonders. yes, ill be blurry as can be and cant really see anything, but at least i can remove the vision i have with glasses, and just go to sleep.

with the lens implants, i cant take them out, and i cant really change my vision either. i go to sleep with the annoying vision, i wake up being blurry. i watch tv with subtitles to help me focus on the damn screen, even tho it doesnt remove the extra crap that i see, it just makes it easier. i read more than i watch the tv screen.  yes, it's very annoying when a 2D image has extra chatter because of the lighting in the pictures... or the people create double vision, even tho it's a single image. like it's on a screen, how does that even work. but yet it does with my eyes.

anyways, i can continue complaining of how much i hate my eyesight in my one eye (left), and when im on antihistamines it makes my right eye like my left eye and it's like, i rather be so damn itchy than being extremely vision impaired. like no. this shouldnt be like this but it is.

so my left eye is or was the dominant eye before going in to surgery. after coming out of surgery i had 3 days of perfect vision and my left eye went. because my left eye is the dominate eye, i can see everything that is wrong with it. if my dominant eye was my right eye, i may not have noticed i have crappy vision in one eye. according to eye doctors, i have perfect vision, and i dont need glasses. and for those who dont know, i still have the -8 in both eyes, because the surgery didnt fix my eye balls they just basically added permanent contacts to my eyeballs. so knowing that, my vision will always be crappy.

oh dont get me started on my night vision and my halos including my rainbow ones.. they can pretty much die.

Eye Dominance - 2

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

3 years

the reason why im writing this blog post because well it needs to be said.

the reason why i started blogging in the first place 3 years ago, is because of how much i was pissed off at the world. i was pissed off at doctors and people. (i still am pissed off at doctors and people, but ive calm down a lot... for the most part.)

ive stopped voicing a lot of things on social media and just used my blog instead. and one of the reasons for this, is because of the reactions or the comments i get. and it always surprises me or amazes me how little people actually read this blog. i know i keep on mentioning this in my blog posts, of how i dont like when you know so much about someone but they no nothing about you, even tho you have been "friends" for a long period of time whether it's on facebook, instagram, or even twitter. and it's like yes, we are friends, but each time i post something about my health it's shocking to you. and it's like i dont know how many times i need to tell you the same thing for you to understand. or for you to stop saying that you didnt know, or you're better now, or go see a doctor, for you to get this is what i live with, ill live with this until i die.

and it doesnt matter how many times i explain my story whether it's by talking in person, tweeting it on twitter, writing blog posts about it, or even sharing stuff on facebook/instagram. i still get the same reactions and same comments and it gets annoying.

it makes me question if people are reading what im saying or even know what they got into when they ask me about my health. like one of my friends from twitter, i may not know the correct terms or what she actually lives with, but i know she doesnt have an easy life. i know she lives with a lot of different diseases and illnesses as well. i know that she struggles daily just to live another day. i can even go on her instagram or her blog to pull up things that she does live with. like it's not hard to find information on her either about the life she lives. and it shouldnt be hard to find information on me either, im an open book and i have stuff about my life and my health across social media. but when it comes to me, it's like im talking to a wall or im invincible or something.

even doctors too, like the amount of doctors ive seen in my life are a lot. not every doctor believes me, they have their way of doing things or they believe i should be on this medication when i know im allergic to it. or they say you cant be allergic to it, or it doesnt work like that, or whatever their reason as to why i should be on their medication. and it's like im not going to take medication when i know a) i most likely am allergic to it, b) why take something when it doesnt work for you. like no.

i tell certain parts of my life on twitter, i do this all the time. recently i told my drug reaction story about penicillin and a doctor who had a language barrier. he believed that all my allergies were the medication i was on. and he wanted me to take penicillin because i have never tried it. he either didnt understand the reasoning as to why or he didnt believe in it. the reason why i never tried it, because my grandfather flatline with it and brought back to life. (my grandfather is no longer alive he died last year, but this happened in 2016, and his penicillin im not sure what year that happened in. but it's the reason we (my mom and i) say every time a doctor wanted me to take it. 

long story short, i had a full out drug reaction to penicillin and it was slowly killing me. it was awful, during most of the drug reaction i wanted it to actually kill me so i didnt have to suffer through it anymore. like it was that bad. it also attacked a lot of my other body parts and it put me in a wheelchair for about 9 months. that wasnt fun either. plus where i was at that time in my life that drug reaction pushed me back to my original injury that happened in 2002 and the reinjury i had in 2006. and because of that drug reaction, it has mucked up my body for the future.

i also tweet about my eyes too, how i have problems.. people say i need glasses.. and im like i got surgery to be out of glasses. and eye doctors say i have 20/20 vision and cant help me when i know i have crappy vision. like it's annoying when doctors dont understand you or know what you are living with. there are times where i would bring in pictures to show people this is what i see. can you help me. the last eye doctor i was at, which was a year or so ago, after going back and forth with glasses and appointments she told me she cant help me. and it's like thanks for the honesty but i wish you told me at the start. because it's another thing in my body, that cant be fixed. and it still makes me regret having the surgery i had in 2017 (double eye ball lens implants.. i basically have permanent contacts in my eyes).

like all this information is on my blog, and im talking with other bloggers on twitter. it's like people dont really understand what i live with and they think im better because it's 2019 or i just have eye problems. it's like no. i dont just have eye problems, ill always have eye problems same with mouth problems. i havent been able to actually jump or run since 2006 before i reinjured my injury. like i miss jumping rope, and just sprinting across the field. i was a very athletic person.

being allergic to pain killers, alcohol, cannabis, a lot of antibiotics, latex, silicon/silicone, and other stuff. and needing to custom order my food when i go out, just to make sure i dont react to whatever i picked. that doesnt make me better that makes me know how to handle myself when im out in public. i avoid things because i dont want to be puking later on. like ill be at a function and if everything is spicy there, ill just wait until im home to eat something.

the amount of conversations i have with people about how i cant be allergic to cannabis because im on the wrong strain, is annoying. i dunno how many strains you need me to try before you believe me that i cant take it. like i dont want more pain than i already have, nor do i want new paint that i never asked for. just so you can be happy that im taking this miracle drug that everyone swears by? like no. 

it's just like i dont know how many times i need to tell my story for you to believe me this is my life. i dont get it. like if you tell me something about your own life, ill believe you. why cant you believe me that im disabled?!

people think im lucky for not working. and it's like if i didnt have the body i have id be working. i wanted to work, i had different jobs picked out when i was in elementary and jr.high even highschool. i had dreams and goals and all that. but when your health turns on you and your body doesnt like you.. you cant do what you wanted to do in life. just like having relationships that turn out to be what you never wanted or even asked for. and all those dreams and goals die with the relationship when it ends.

people ask me if i write any of this stuff down... and im puzzled because my pinned tweet on twitter shows links to my blogs. i have 4 of them. the main reason why i started this blog because i was pissed off at the world and i didnt want people leaving comments on my venting posts. 3 years later i still have this blog and i still write about my life and what goes on in my head.

id like if more people would read this blog. because it would be nice to have conversations without needing to explain myself or my health as to why i am like this. and it would be nice to know that people are actually reading my stuff and understanding what im saying, and realizing who i really am as a person. my blog has a lot of information on it and it's being missed because not everyone reads this blog. which is fine i guess, you cant pick people to read your blog or force people to read it either. it just would be nice if more people read it, especially the ones i talk to every day on twitter or facebook. 

this is a long post. im ending it.

Monday, August 12, 2019


i love being told the reason why people dont read my blogs because i should be writing for my followers and do what they want me to do not staying true to myself.

and it's like if my followers want me to do this and that they need to find other bloggers to do that for them. or i dunno write their own blogs. if my followers dont like what they see, i dunno why they are still following me

but im not changing how i blog because im not getting people to read my blogs. my blogs are for me, and writing will always be therapeutic to me. and if people dont like how i blog, you dont have to read anything write.

i dont really do anything for my skin (im a zit popper), i dont wear make up either, im not married nor do i have children, but this doesnt stop me from following you or reading your blogs. i dont even read books and the amount of book bloggers i follow on twitter. or the amount of book blog posts i tweet. like followers shouldnt be the reason why you blog. and followers shouldnt be your topic choice of what you should be blogging about either. like it's your blog, blog whatever you want to blog about. if i dont like your blog, i dont have to read it. there are plenty of blogs i dont read and im totally fine with that.

like you really have to read a person's blog to know if the blog is for you or not. and there are a lot of blogs that are not for everyone either. and that doesnt mean they should drop what they are blogging and stick to only what their followers want. no. if that was the case we all would have the exact same blog, and it wouldnt benefit anyone nor have a purpose either. my purpose of my blogs is to use my voice and that is what im doing.

it annoys the shit out of me when other bloggers are telling people what bloggers should be writing about. when really i rather be reading personal blogs than what im wearing or how to get traffic to my blog. i want to know what you are dealing with, not whatever your followers are telling you to write about. like i can just google that and get a textbook answer as to how to do this and that. i want your own experiences of life. there are a ton of make up bloggers out there, they are all the same. unless you're name is the frosted pineapple where you are a bit of everything and it's not just solely on what eye liner or eye shadow you should be wearing when you're going out to a see someone you havent seen in a long time. (i picked my friend's blog because i know she has makeup on it, but it's not the same as everyone else. it's actually a joy, stress free, calming even, and it doesnt hurt your eyes when you read her blog.)

it just annoys me when you get nominated for blogging awards one after the other, and only a handful actually does them. it's like ive nominated over 60 people and majority of them dont know i exist. and that is frustrating when im following their blogs. or i follow them on twitter, i tweet them, i interact with them, but yet i do all this and i cant get them to read anything.

and you have bloggers saying this is my first time getting nominated and so and so nominated them.. but it's like i nominated them months ago and they still dont see my blog post.

or you blog about the same thing (like the same topic) as someone else and you could learn from each other. but yet you dont exist to them at all, and they only see you when you are giving traffic.
i dunno.

i can do so much and it's still not good enough. and moments like this, i wish i didnt exist.

Bet You Didnt Know Tag!

the title is interesting isnt it, i thought so too. after i viewed my friend's blog Five Bucks Til Friday with this title Bet You Didnt Know Tag! i learned 7 things about her that i may not have known from reading her blog or following her on social media. and surprisingly she was right, i didnt know any of them. now it's my turn to give 7 thinks about myself that you may not know from reading my blogs and/or following me on social media. which is going to be hard, because i say a lot of things, but im not sure if everyone reads everything.

#1. ive been nominated a lot of times for the sunshine blogger award, and each time i try to nominate new people. there are times where i add the same people, because well it's fun seeing answers to your own questions. the thing that bugs me is that i keep on reading other people's sunshine blogger award posts, to see if they saw mine and answered the questions i asked. but most of the time, majority of the people ive nominated dont even know ive nominated them. and it makes me wonder why im getting nominated if people dont read my blog?!

sunshine blogger award
sunshine blogger award 2
sunshine blogger award 3
sunshine blogger award 4
sunshine blogger award 5
sunshine blogger award 6

different awards:
blogger recognition award
blogger recognition award 2
blogger recognition award 3

mystery blogger award

the versatile blogger award

#2. i love using hidden links in my posts. it's a way for me to be organized with my post, make's it easier for the reader to follow people or see what im talking about, and it helps everyone out.

example: above are hidden links, this blog post has over 40 hidden links

#3. i enjoy deleting things. ill delete my tweets, blog posts, ill edit a lot of my blog posts too, ill delete instagram posts, facebook posts, basically everything ill delete. there is something about deleting that feels good and it's like a cleanse. i even delete pictures of myself because i believe they are ugly or dont even look like me or represent me either. i also delete things after a break up too, because im not friends with that person, why am i holding on to something that wasnt real.

#4. i enjoy supporting people, not so much with money because i dont have any. but i love bringing people traffic and just retweeting people's posts. so you may see me on twitter retweeting all the time, because well it's fun. i tweet the music im listening too, the blogs im reading, ill retweet other people's blog posts, ill retweet artists and their work. ill tweet my own art work and my own blogs too. even on instagram, ill repost people's posts just to get it more known that is what's happening on this day or this month, or whatever. i help support my friends' business or companies. and recently ive been retweeting teachers' lists to help spread the word that they need help with purchasing items for their classrooms.

#5. i will report porn when i have it come across my page. if porn accounts follow me on instagram and twitter, ill report and block them. if people retweet or post porn on twitter and it comes across in my feed, ill report the post, unfollow who ever retweeted or tweeted it, and ill report the account and usually block them as well. not only do i report porn, but i also report target harassment tweets, posts, and comments as well.

#6. i never just have one tab opened on the computer. at the moment i have 5 tabs open.. one opened to twitter, the other to the blog post i was tagged in, one opened to what im typing in right now, one opened to my blog posts in general, and one opened to facebook. and the one that is opened to twitter, let's just say ive retweeted a lot of blog links while im writing this post.

#7. i dont like attention on myself so i tend to move the focus or the attention on to something else. like this blog post for example. i could have gone with actual facts about me or something, but i decided to go with a different route and do something that i do every day. which is thinking people dont read my blogs or know that i exist, using hidden links all the time, deleting things, supporting people, reporting stuff, having multiple tabs open, and changing the attention from one thing to the other.

my nominees are those who see this post and would like to do it for just because or fun, without having tags or pressure behind writing their own version.


there is a tweet* that i disagree with completely and here's why

tweet: Protip: you won't be happy with anyone else, until you're happy with yourself.
me: i can be happy with myself all i want, that doesn't mean i deserve to be treated like shit and/or find myself in abusive relationships.

 being happy with myself has nothing to do with how others treat me.
person: Yep. However, I'm talking about someone going into a new relationship with baggage, and putting that on their partner. You take you wherever you go.
also me: being happy and having baggage are two different things. 

like i never read the first tweet as in what the second tweet mentioned. like im not sure how you have baggage with being happy, and with anyone means a new relationship. and honestly how are we supposed to know what the first tweet actually meant if the second tweet didnt get mentioned?! the second tweet was only talked about because i quoted the tweet and wrote what i did. because i disagree with the tweet completely. because really, the amount of happiness i had before going into a relationship, or even a new relationship for that matter, i wouldnt have had unhealthy, toxic, and/or abusive relationships.

and taking you wherever you go, still has nothing to do with "you wont be happy with anyone else, until you're happy with yourself". because what i bring to the table, isnt what people want or like or love either. because if people actually did want what i brought to the table, i wouldnt be having this discussion with the computer. i would still be in a relationship with someone and i would still be doing me before i lost myself because of the relationship i was in.

like relationships change people, whether they want to admit it or not, and it has nothing to do with you being happy with yourself or you having baggage and putting it on someone.

and even after going through the hardships of breaking up with someone, and realizing where you have lost yourself in the relationship. you realized it wasnt you who has changed, it was the person who never was honest with themselves or you for that matter, and everything was built on a lie. now being at that stage of life, where your life is back on track to where it was going, before you were even in a relationship. you're much stronger now, you know what you want in a relationship (that's if you're going to have another one in the future), and you became a better version of yourself.

being happy with yourself doesnt make other people be nice to you or make them treat you with respect either. you cant control what others are doing, but you have your own self to look after and treat with respect. you make yourself happy, not relying on others to make you happy. and that is what im going to take away from this blog post.

i am in charge of my own happiness.

(*p.s. i was going to direct you to the tweet, but the user blocked me, so they dont get a mentioned.)

Thursday, August 08, 2019

A Fun Post - 2

you should always Do Five Things A Day to feel like youve accomplished something that day. Check In With Yourself can be part of the 5 things. Viewing PaulMcGV3 blog can also count towards doing something. Creating August Goals, can also be part of that as well. Teach, Play, Love counts as 3 things, so that's a bonus!

when you have Curiosity & Confession thoughts, i can say you're not alone. Maybe one of these thoughts have to do with Cinderella: After Happily Ever After. or maybe you're curious about what Welcome to The Ray Journey! actually is, what The Mini Smallholder is all about, or even the Unwanted Life, but you may not have the stomach for this blog tho. Less Than Perfect Life makes you even more curious to know what this is about.

on a different note, Blog of ChaosJackie of All Trades Blogpassion&pease blog, and The Blog of Chandrayan Gupta all sound so bloggaful

do you suffer from Mummy Overload? it's really not at all that scary as i made it out to be. i just didnt know how to put it into a sentence. also, im not sure how to add This Scribbler Mum either into this weird mum related paragraph. im not sure what the tog mom is but it's fitting for this area of my blog. The Philosophy Mom is another mom for you all. also, she's a Single Mom, Strong Traveler and has a post about Lake George, New York.

this title is so catchy and it makes me laugh: Help Me, Im Adulting!

have you heard of Sharon Wishnow? im curious to know if she is always wishing!

maybe you're more into The Mindful Falconer's Journal, it's very eye catching.

Just in case you didnt know, you can See Preston Write and Ashley Nicole Writes.

i have to say, before i forget, SoCalFunFamily is perfect for this type of post, because Fun is in the name!

if you didnt know her name, are you even reading her blog Ashlee Nicole Explained?

have a curve ball, the Dragons Codex. im lost on this one as to where to fit in. same with Fragment of a Figment and A.A. SMITH THE AUTHOR OF INSIDE OUT. i feel like Lost & Wandering: The Ravings of a Mostly Sane Individual should have a spot in this paragraph as well.

ooooo The Adventures Of Becoming An Author it sounds like a book title or even a movie!!!

Kristine's BRF and So many books, so little time are perfect for the book readers out there.

MMM of Family Entertainment, most likely isnt a food blog.

btw, Connor D. Johnson has a blog. and C.M. Dahmer is an Author. Editor. Writer.

another Author related blog: Tammi Landry-Gilder, Author.

something sweet and soft makes me think of happily, hedy.

im not sure if it's Lydia Schoch or Welcome To, either way, im not sure what this blog is actually about.

for those who are Currently Abroad, this one is for you.

uh oh, Connecting Flights: A Comedy of Errors

The Diary of She. (the title alone, sounds so beautiful, im lost for words)

Teachers' Lists

because it's almost or is back to school, it's time for teachers to be dropping their lists. for those who are able to help they are able to view these lists on amazon, and help out the teachers who are in need of supplies.

i am unable to help with buying teacher supplies because i dont make any money. but that doesnt stop me from helping the teachers out by sharing their lists on twitter and my blog. because im not able to share everyone's list on my blog, i have created a Twitter's List called Teachers. Hopefully that is able to help spread the word even faster and help fulfill these school supply lists.

Heather's List: a middle school art teacher. - ooo sounds so much fun!

Laura's List: a reading specialist in a high poverty K-5 school

Angela's List: a 1st grade teacher

Casey's List: a 2nd grade teacher who has special needs children with neuro-typical

April's List: a 7th grade math teacher

Karen's List: a 2nd grade teacher

Lori's List: a 2nd grade teacher, and this is her 15th year!!!! wow, that's pretty amazing!

Sam's List: a 5th grade teacher in a special education classroom

Holly's List: a 5th to 12th grade math teacher

Dr Stahr's List: from what i can see, books for a library.

Lisa's List: a kindergarten teacher

Sarah's List: a 7th grade social studies teacher

Kelly's List: a health studies teacher and a sports coach.

Jenni's List: has over 470+ elementary students!

Katie's List: has been a teacher for 13 years

Arika's List: a special education teacher

Carly's List: a 1st grade teacher who is in need of books.

Cynthia's List: a science teacher

Samatha's List: a 2nd grade teacher

Jordan's List: a 4th grade teacher

Emily's List: a kindergarten teacher

Carrie's List: a second grade teacher

Amy's List: a preschool teacher

Tiffany's List: a special education teacher

Rachel's List: a special education teacher

iTeachCoolKidz's List: a 3rd grade teacher

Kylee's List: a special education teacher

Ashley's List: a special education science teacher grades 6 to 8

Jenny's List: a 2nd grade teacher

DeAnna's List: went from a math science teacher to a reading/language teacher

Kelly's List: a special education teacher

Kayla's List: went from a kindergarten teacher to a 1st grade teacher

Kait's List: a 1st grade teacher

Abby's List: an ELL teacher

Chelsea's List: a 2nd grade teacher in a high trauma & high poverty district

Lea's List: a preschool special education teacher

C. Hawkes' List: an art teacher

Amelia's List: an art teacher

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Twitter Threads:
Leah Remini's
Help A Teacher

hashtag on twitter:

there are thousands and thousands of these lists on twitter, and i hope a lot of teachers are able to get the help they need.

Wednesday, August 07, 2019

Self-Love 3

because my lovely dear friend tagged me in her blog post about Self-Love, im going to figure out a way of doing this. and im going to take my time to reflect and see what ive done that follows under the bold parts of her blog post.

1. Organize something at home/the office. 
- so im not sure if i have done this or not recently, i do tidy my room up when it's cleaning day. and i have been rearranging my art display. i also gave a way some paintings on the weekend, so i have a lot of space now. i move my art stuff around a lot, but it's something fun i do tho.

2. Go to bed 15 - 20 minutes earlier than usual. 
- i have been doing this a lot lately, mostly because when im outside for most of the day, i get really tired when i hit my bed. and for many nights in a row, ive been avoiding using the computer and just watching netflix or tv on demand, and i end up sleeping much earlier than i usually do. and some mornings are too early for me because of loud noises so im even more tired that night. or i wake up from sleeping because my bites on my legs are too itchy or my dreams are even more weirder than normal. but yes, i believe i have accomplished this, this past week. (it's been a good first week of august, besides being bit by unknown species)

3. Call a loved one you havent talked to in a while and catch up.
- a lot of loved ones such as family members i see quite a lot, when we have company over. either for birthday parties, dinners, pool parties, leftovers even, and other type of events. some times it does get over whelming when it's a lot of busy days with people over, and the volume gets really loud.
- ive been having an on going conversation on both my twitter accounts and both my instagram accounts with my lovely dear friend jordyn. when i talk with her, it's a breath of fresh air. there's something about her that im drawn too, and it makes me happy as well. i look forward to seeing her messages and it doesnt matter what account im on, we still talk to each other. and even if we havent talked for like a day or two, we it's like we havent missed a beat, we just continue on with our conversation.
- i also have some group chats on twitter with two of my other blogging friends, and we talk about weird stuff on our blogs, or twitter, or annoying people or whatever.
- or i have other DMs on twitter, where i talk to even more of my blogging friends. or we talk through tweets not just DMs.
- based on my answers for this one, i can say i have blogging friends and im proud of them. i also miss them when i cant find them on twitter to drop a line or two. and even my non blogger friends, when i dont see them active like they used to be, i also start to worry that something happened to them.
- if i miss you, youll know. and even if you dont know, im waiting for you to send me a message so i know that im being missed by you. and let's just say, most of my one sided conversations that ive stopped doing, those people havent reached out to me. so i know that friendship wasnt real. so i appreciate those who do take their time out to talk to me even more, because it's a big deal to me when it's a two way conversation.

4. Make plans to do something fun in the next few weeks that you can look forward to.
- this has happened, it may not be in a few weeks, but it's coming up. example: im getting my hair redyed and trimmed next thursday i believe.
- i also have a wedding im attending in september, and im going on vacation near the end of september. (im not really looking forward to vacation, i know, but based on this year and this blog, youll understand why. but im going to make it work by looking forward to painting on vacation and see where my mind takes me.)

5. Have a quiet and cozy morning.
- i sleep in the morning, so this doesnt really happen much. but on sunday, i was up because of the loud noises. so i ended up getting a bowl of breakfast, which is weird because i usually have breakfast in the afternoon. and since it looked like a beautiful day outside, i took my food with me and ate on the patio. it was a little chilly because it was in the shade and we had a bit of wind. but it was relaxing.

6. Spend time with family.
- i kinda already answered this with #3 but i live at home, so i spend a lot of time with my own parents. and i spend time when my siblings come over and they bring their children as well. and when we have say holidays, certain birthdays, and other events even more family comes over like aunts, uncles, cousins, and my oma (my grandma).

7. Write down three things you love about yourself.
- i love that i am able to make people smile by giving them gifts from the heart (example my paintings)
- i love that i can just enjoy time without needing so much extra stuff. (i dont need booze to have fun, i dont need to get high to have fun, i dont need a big group of people to have fun either. i can just have fun sitting outside and enjoying what's around me.)
- i love

8. Write and send a snail mail note to someone you are thankful for.
- ive actually been doing something better than sending a note to thank someone, ive been sending people art that ive created. most of them are paintings with watercolours, but i also have thrown in some acrylic paintings, and pictures from markers as well. and for some, i have written some letters for them.

9. Shut off all screens 30 minutes earlier than usual and take time to unwind and reflect.
- i actually do this a lot without knowing this is what i do. when im bored on the computer, ill get off it and ill head to my room. and there are times where im sitting on my bed in the dark, just thinking about stuff. i dont really consider it reflecting but i guess that's what i do. and there are times depending on where my mind wonders off too, ill be crying or ive fallen asleep.

10. Read three blog posts about self-care and self-love.
- this is my third blog post about self-love, i think im good for reading blog posts about this topic. also ive read my friend's post about this (the one who tagged me) many times, while doing these blog posts.

11. Pick up a good book/something you have wanted to read for ages.
- i have a hard time reading stuff, i havent read a book in over a decade. and reading something, that isnt say a blog post, i dont even know what that would be. im not a fan of reading stuff because of my vision. and reading blog posts arent the same as reading a book. i also dont read everything that i "read" either.
- but i can say that in july, i was able to read old postcards and letters that my cousin had mailed me.

12. Watch a movie with your comfort food.
- my comfort food, well one of them are frozen turkey dinners, and i just havent been in the mood to have one lately. and my other comfort food is mcdonalds, and usually when im eating that im either in the car, or watching tv with my dad. but i can say i have been watching a lot of movies lately on netflix, and ive been eating random snacks.

13. Get reconnected with your support system.
- i cant really say that i have a support system, i just have people that i talk to when i need a pick me up. and i do that on twitter or instagram, depending on what im using or who im trying to talk too. and for the most part, i just go on my blog and write posts, and afterwards i feel much better about myself. or ill just go outside during the day and paint, and that's the support i need.

14. Journal about a decision you made in the past week that you are proud of.
- i dont actually use journals, but i have been blogging about what ive been doing lately. so feel free to read my blogs to catch up with my own life and what ive been doing.
Welcome To My Thoughts (the one you're reading this on)
Dear Future Husband

my 4th blog isnt really about me, but you can check it out as well
Got Bloggers?

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
self-love 2