Friday, November 17, 2017

This Month's Music - Nov

brandon DaZ: just dropped a mixtape called #SoulTape3
Ferb: i love listening to Ache
Reggie Micz: i love listening to I wanna be famous

facial hair filters

if you want to insult me, know your colours: rainbow is red orange yellow green blue indigo and purple. calling me rainbow hair when i only have purple pink and blue. makes you look stupid cuz you dont know your damn colours.
if you keep on laughing in your replies and i keep laughing in my replies.. why the fuck are you offended?!
if someone tells you that you should have a better beard than the filter beard you have, that's a good thing. people dont want to see fake ass facial filters on yourself.
if you changed your profile picture to one that makes people questioned (using a weird filter on your face), people are going to comment and laugh at it. so why the fuck are you all moody and saying i didnt tag you or ask for your opinion. if you didnt want a convo on it, dont change your fucking profile picture to a filter picture. and really, if you dont want people commenting on your shit, why do you let them comment on your shit?!
if you are going to compare my "rainbow" hair to your filter profile picture, you are going to lose. why, because my facial filter picture, is hands down better than your facial filter. which still proves my point, why you should have a better beard than that filter you are using. and saying that my hair looked better in that picture than my rainbow hair now. like dude, i dont care if you hate my hair or not, my hair isnt for you anyways. - also, my "rainbow" hair is still not a filter. (another win for me)
if you are going to tell me to look at your hundreds of natural self pictures (using my words)... like dude, ive been telling you this whole time that your natural self is better lookin than the filter you are using in your profile. but you completely missed the point and got all offended because you are pmsing.
and omg, i have never witness someone being extremely offended over a fucking filter that they are using on themselves for a profile picture... like dude get over yourself. whoop de doo someone doesnt like your filter picture. who gives a shit really?! the point was, that your natural self pictures are better lookin pictures. focus on that, not that i hate your filter picture. well i dont hate it, it looks like a bad version of a jesse williams wanna be.
and its fucking hilarious that you just realized that my comments are deleted. actually you didnt realized, someone wrote on your picture (after 10ish mins from your last reply): "LMFAO wonder who you was replying to... Either I blocked them or they blocked me... Or they deleted the comment (laughing emojis)" - dude you just got owned. and saying shit like "They deleted them cause i dragged them to hell" um no, you didnt drag me to hell, you just got offended that this "one white bitch" didnt like your profile picture where you used a filter with facial hair.
btw, ive always wanted to be called "one white bitch" because "one bitch" or "bitch" just wasnt good enough for you. so thank you so much, for giving me another nickname, to go with my "rainbow hair".

profile picture:

natural self:

my facial filter:

not "rainbow hair":

jesse williams:

Saturday, October 14, 2017

I Wanna Be Famous

my friend Reggie Micz recently have dropped his album, that he has been working on. it's called I Wanna Be Famous.

hope you get the results you are wanting out of it.
but to me, you are already famous.

thank u
but famous isnt what i want
the letters in famous means something else to me

being famous to me is different than what the definition means

or i gat ya same with me

it's doing something that you love and showing the world this is what you love doing.

thats why i want ppl to listen because if they just see the name
they ga think oh he just want cars money woman
exactly then i really im famous already

told you but nooooooooooooooo you didnt believe me

lol u win that one

after this convo, he wrote a post about his new album, and im apart of it:

Thank you, Reggie Micz for being famous

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

new eyes - 3

so i went to see my eye doctor again, the one that did my surgery... the last appointment i had the computers were down for a lot of it, and i didnt get all the testing needed to be done.. so i had to come back again.

so today's appointment, i got pictures of my eyes, a prescription test (that was cool cuz i could control what i wanted and explained what i was seeing), and i saw the surgeon. i had my eyes dilated, and repeat the pictures tests and saw the surgeon again. he compared the two pictures. before and after dilation.

my lens implants are the most perfect placement you can get with lens implants. my problem is to why i have all these ghosting, and double vision, and letters above letters, etc... is because i have pupil(s) problem. so my left eye which is the problem eye (dominate eye), has a larger pupil and it's  harder to reduce the size. so it's not seeing through the lens properly. there isnt anything my surgeon can do for me (surgery and lasik isnt going to help me). he did recommend me having a trail run of these eye drops for glaucoma patients, it reduces the size of the pupil. im only allowed to use them when i need them. and since well june, ive been already accommodating/adapting to my weird vision i have.

at this time of my life, i wont be trying the drops out, but i do have an answer to why my left eye is so messed up. this explains, why i dont like sunglasses since surgery, why i dont like being in the dark or my vision is bad at night time, and why i have problems with my left eye.

(the reason why im not trying the drops out, is because i have dental work that needs to get done first, so i dont want reactions to new drops, or complications to my health that will not allow me to get the dental work that i need. example, gum surgery and needing a new crown. my bottom teeth has been moving and changing since eye surgery, so the braces i had last year you cant even tell i had them anymore. cuz my mouth continues to change.)

new eyes
new eyes - 2

Friday, October 06, 2017

Im Now A Checkerboard Chick!

in case you didnt know, im in a relationship with a man name Ben.
ive been chatting with him since june (on facebook/whatsapp).
when i was on vacation i was able to meet him.
sept 19th is when i first met him, he also met my parents and we went out to dinner.
sept 20th he came over to spend the day with me and my parents.
and that was the day, we became an item :D
so he lives in bahamas.
i live in canada.
and we're lookin forward to seeing each other again.

some pictures from the trip:

my favorite picture of us:

p.s. Im Now A Checkerboard Chick! - is from hairspray, i just love that show
p.s.s. i gave ben a help1other dog tag 
p.s.s.s. we did have a bigger cup for the starbucks drink, just the mini was perfect for a picture. plus it was ben's first pumpkin spice ever!!!! 

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

My dream... - 10

i wrote this to my friend:

Some senior name lynn just died in my dream.

She was at a seniors home dancing away and removing random jewelry from her and placing it on tables. Talking to people about a random topic. She dropped off her cupcake necklace to a table with two other seniors, talking about flowers and she continued dancing

A black lady looked at it and passed it over to her friend. A sweet white lady. She licked it because she just saw the dancing lady kissed it. The black lady asked why flowers? The sweet lady said this poem that i dont remember something about keep dancing, the pavers of the trees, it's time for you to go.

And it was on the last page of this book the sweet lady was the first line and the second line was L) heard a whisper (the poem was mentioned again) and the last line was saying lynn danced her way to heaven.

Now im all sad and tears cuz some senior lady just died and i dunno who she is. But it was so sweet tho.

And before that my dream was about these two boys living in a school's gym, and one boy snuck out to go get little caesars pizza.. and took a picture after he bought some. Sent it to me and i forward it to the other boy. And whatsapp changed the text from "ben :)" to "be mean" and im like sorry it's "ben :)" and then that senior lady name lynn was in my dream

Monday, October 02, 2017

No Guns = No Deaths

if people didnt own guns, more people would be alive.

statement is true if you think about it. all those mass shootings, that happened because some person decided to give a person a gun (when they shouldnt have the ability to give/sell the gun in the first place to this person), and this person ends up shooting so many people. like really. is it worth it. are you satisfied that you killed many people, and helped killed many people because you sold this person a gun?! like most of these mass shootings, the shooter themselves end up dying. like what's the point in killing hundreds of people where you end up dead?! like if you wanted to die so badly, why did you risk other lives to do that?! i dont get it.

arguing with me that guns dont kill people, people kill people. umm yeah, but you still have a gun in your hand, with bullets and you are still pulling the trigger.. if you drop a gun, some times the gun goes off and can end up killing someone. are you going to blame the floor did that?! no, you are going to blame who ever had the gun in the first place.

like you hear stories about baby's killing their mom's with a gun, in the car.. and they are blaming the baby for having a gun... umm. why is there a gun in the first place? why did the parent have a gun in the car or the purse. why did the parent leave the baby unattended in the car, and why did they even leave the baby in the first place. like if you are not that responsible, why are you having children?! like your gun isnt going to save you from your stupidity, because, your child shot you... like hello. guns are not the answer.

usa gun laws are horrible, i dont understand why in the world does every person our household has to have a gun. you dont need a gun to live. the only people i know that have guns in their houses, are people who hunt animals. but their guns arent by their head or in the closet.. they have their own room for the guns and bows and whatever else they use to go hunting with. and im talking about hunting animals not people. if i know people who kill people, they most likely are not my friend.

like road rage over the years, has become a death sentence, why because people carry guns in their cars. so those people who have angry issues, will use a gun to solve their problem and kill people. like just because someone went in front of you, or honked at you or whatever, you do not need to kill that person at all. you are not hurt, your car is not hurt, even if your car is hurt, you still dont need to kill the person who ever did this to you.

if there is an altercation in the parking alot, and someone disagrees with someone, you do not need to pull out a gun and start shooting. like seriously, violence is not the answer.

and yes, i do not believe it is right for people to go off to war and fight for a country, where you have to kill people to get what you want. especially to those who have families living back at home. it's understandable if you are single and all you wanna do is go off to war, but seriously if you got your girl pregnant and you are going off to war, it's not fair on your family if you end up dead. like i dont get that. you can gain stuff without killing each other. killing is still not the answer.

and arguing me about what you used to do and how mass shootings are for people who need to go to mental hospitals and all this shit. i really dont care, because my point talked about guns, not mental people. and if you had better gun laws in your country, the mental person wouldnt have the ability to own a gun. there for the person who didnt have a gun, wouldnt have the ability to kill hundreds of people... ah, im talking about guns. the root of this problem is guns and how people use the guns to kill people to solve their problems. im not talking about terrorists, or bombs, or knives, or whatever form of weapons the world has, im talking about guns. so talking to me about other shit, is pointless. and telling me to remove you as a friend, because i deleted your comments, is bull. i actually deleted my whole status, so i wouldnt get people like you still commenting on my status. you didnt have to comment on my status, but you did. im in charge of my status, i can do what i please. if you dont like it, it's not my problem. and telling me to grow up and start with the name calling, that is all on you not me. should have not commented on my status in the first place. and thank you for removing me yourself, so i didnt have too. i wouldnt have removed you anyways, even tho you told me too. i dont listen to orders from people who got extremely mad at me deleting my own status. like seriously lady. the post is not about you.

also, to those who say that guns do solve problems, im assuming that you believe that mass shootings are a good thing, and all the people who died, were saved by a gun?! like seriously. how can you believe that guns solve problems?!  and if you rather die from a bullet than being stabbed to death, you are living in a fucked up neighborhood where violence is the answer and that is just wrong. no one should wish they rather die from a bullet period or rather die from a weapon.

we seriously live in a fucked up world.

moral of this vent: guns is not the answer. violence is still not the answer. gun laws need to be changed. why is there so much hate in this world that we need to kill people?!

p.s. there are people who should have guns, say cops. but not dirty cops. dirty cops do not use guns wisely at all, and a lot of dirty cops shouldnt even be cops at all. they give the good cops a bad rep. and because of dirty cops people cant trust cops at all. i understand that cops will have guns in their house, but from what i know they are not laying around for someone to use they are locked up somewhere in the house. so yes, cops for me are a good thing and they should have guns, but they should only use them at the last resort. i still dont believe killing is the answer.

p.s.s. i personally wouldnt want to live in a house that has a gun or guns. especially with my history of being suicidal and really depressed. i dont see myself ever using a gun to shoot myself, but if mental health people go crazy and do mass shootings and whatever else with their state of health, who knows it can happen to yourself, you never know. so no guns for me please. and if you're dating me, please dont own a gun either.

p.s.s. i understand if you have guns only for say killing animals. like if you're a hunter. you may not use guns you may use bows or spears. but i hope you are not using those to kill people. i have family members that are hunters but they dont hunt people. thank god. it disturbs me to even think that. but yeah, if you are a hunter you have a pass with owning guns, but please be careful with them. dont let them go in hands that shouldnt have guns in the first place. and please dont kill animals that are going extinct.

p.s.s.s. im done talking about this topic.

p.s.s.s.s a guy speaking his mind that sums up what ive been talking about, and how usa needs to change before more deaths occur because of guns and their shitty ass gun laws.

This Month's Music - Oct

Savage 100 - listening to Why So Savage?
Young Shandee - listening to Word
Geovanni - listening to Back On
NewAge Music - listening to Amethyst Ruby
Val - listening to HiJourney
Codiene Shawty - listening to Ambitions 
Indy J - listening to Low Life
Reggie Micz - listening to I Wanna Be Famous

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Africa Has Famous People As Well!

twitter is a great network for music. it helps you get your music out, it helps you support your friends, it also helps you find new people to add to your blog :) i have discovered from using twitter, that africa has famous people as well. hope you enjoy their music as much as i do. if you do, please share, follow, and support them. ♥

JIMMY SOOT: i know him as uncle jimmy from twitter. he's a dj, producer, and even a photographer as well.

JOHNNY GREG: i know him from Shaton, they have a song together called Run Away. johnny also does Graphic Designs and Printing. p.s. i ♥ johnny's music. :D

SOOT MUZIKK: is a record label, jimmy is the founder and johnny is part of the team.

Friday, September 08, 2017


im starting to dislike people who just add me for just because... like a lot of people who add me, really dont have a reason for adding me. but i talk with the mutual friend, and based on what they say, is if i add the person or not... and lately.. the people who believe that everything has cures are the ones who are adding me.. and if you know me, i dont believe that everything has a cure. if everything had a cure, no one would die. people wouldnt be dying each day. rare diseases wouldnt be forming either. what i live with, ive been told many times im a rare case in calgary, let alone canada. what i have, there isnt a cure.

[i really hate when people think they have the best medicine for you to heal you. and it's like no. you cant heal me. either accept it or dont talk to me. and this dude apparently has fallin in love with me after an hour of talking to me because im hilarious. and im like no, you dont love me.
"No I just no you can be healed, for every apple there's an orange, don't feel sorry for yourself, when it's time whatever is wrong will be fixed." ummm no. life doesnt work like that. if everything wrong will be fixed, no one would be dead. and now he thinks he can make me feel better by saying "hey guess what, i love you." umm it doesnt work like that.]

something that this other random dude had said, just drove me off the wall. basically he got himself removed and blocked, because i couldnt stand his fucked up/bullshittin responses anymore..

"People have to die that's why they say there no cure every poison has an antidote boo
Everything has a cure but only the rich have access"

my family is richer than he is, and there still isnt a cure for me and my body and what i live with...

Me: umm no. rich people die too.
Dude: i know it would be strange if only poor or regular people die
Me: and who said that i wasnt rich tho? like if only rich people can find cures.. that's pretty fucked up if you think like that. cuz that's complete bullshit
Dude: That not what I'm saying
Me: no, thats what you did say, "Everything has a cure but only the rich have access" - that's a bullshit answer
Dude: Access  to what? I didn't say
Me: doesnt matter you have a sick way of thinking
Dude: So therefore that's not what I'm saying. It's just reality it's fucked up life is fucked up
Me: you are still fucked up and i dont care what you think. because no matter how much knowledge you have or lack of it, you still will not understand at all what i live with.
Dude: Oh that's what this is about, I didn't mean to offend you in anyway. I'm sorry, I could never know what you really go through. I would never try to add pain in your life. I'm sorry
Me: your sorry means shit. so no thank you

like seriously tho, all the celebs who have children that have so many health problems, or end up dying at birth or whatever the reason is... celebs have way more money than this dude has and they do not have a cure for their child's sickness. if there was a cure for cancer, people still wouldnt be donating money to find a cure for cancer.

Saturday, September 02, 2017

This Month's Music - Sept

well august went by quickly.. now it's SEPTEMBER!!!!

HOT 91.7FM - a bahamian radio station :D

TonAsh - his song I Yi keeps on being played on Hot 91.7

Khalid - i love his song Young Dumb & Broke

100 JAMZ - a bahamian radio station :D

Harry Styles - i love his song Signs of the Times

Alessia Cara - i love her song Scars To Your Beautiful

Melanie Martinez - i love her album Cry Baby

Captain Von Trap - i love his soundcloud

Jeré - i love his song The Race

Dru - i love his song On Purpose  

Soot Muzikk - gotta love uncle jimmy and his people 

Johnny Greg - sweet soundcloud

The Empire Bahamas - i love their album BurnADebt

Young Shandee - i love his album Word

B.Daz - his soundcloud is da bomb!

Friday, September 01, 2017

Everybody Blog Now

List of Blogs:
Life Of Jenya (the girl who got me blogging)
Welcome To My Thoughts (i gotta post my own)
The Crystal Auracle (not your typical blog: spells, crystals, etc)
Our Epic Story (a family living with a down syndrome boy)
#WHODAT ( a vblog featuring bahamians)
Shar Hanson (this gal is pretty auh mazing at what she does!)
Bahamas Entertainment (jay isaac's and shar's website - i ♥ these two)
Soot Muzikk Records (uncle jimmy from twitter :D)
Dear Future Husband (something ive always wanted to do and now im doing it)

Thursday, August 31, 2017

a crown

(these are messages i sent to my friend)

Aug 31st 2017
2:21am: Shit shit shit times a lot
2:25am: I was chewing and i bit something hard. Like it shouldn't be hard. I pulled everything out of my mouth.. first i thought it was plastic.  But i just lost a crown...
2:26am: This crown was done by a dentist i didn't like. The first one he did, it didn't last long and it actually popped off. Years later this one finally popped off. Why i prefer gold crowns

2:36am: i dunno what to do
2:39am: i basically need to see my dentist. but everyone is sleeping.
2:39am: i probably will have a shower incase i have an emergency appointment in the morning.
2:59am: going to pass on shower. im too cold for one. my plan was wake up have a shower get ready and see when my mom wants to go to the mall. but now with crown i dunno.
3:00am: like he's book up until october thats when i see him for my two cavities. so i gotta get a temp crown made get a gold one made and hopefully have it before im on vacation.
3:00am: im frustrated
4:38am: sleep time
10:43am: i have an appointment at 3:50pm today.
10:46am: but now i gotta go find my mom in the house cuz im up.
10:54am: im going to the mall soon so im going to shower. i cant stop yawning
10:55am: and my mom is glad this didnt happen while i was in bahamas

(after appointment)
5:12pm: um. i need gum surgery to remove some gum tissue so i have more tooth exposed. i have my old crown back on for the time being. so no bacteria gets in. so it was cleaned out the crown and put different glue in it. once im healed from gum surgery) whenever that appointment i) will tart looking into fitting a new crown (gold).

5:14pm: Ummm in this short amount of time from crown popping to the dentist, my tooth itself had fluid built up under the tooth so it was pushing my tooth up. So for like 10 mins i had to bite down hard on a cotton roll to push my tooth back into my jaw...

5:16pm: My tooth apparently is extremely sensitive. My dentist was cleaning it and the second time he hit a nerve and i went into fetal position and im think i screamed too. Im not sure. He said i could punch him for that but i said no. It wasn't his fault.

5:21pm: But yeah. My mouth is in more pain now than before my appointment. I was an ice cube at the dentist. My body shut down. Umm my crown itself was leaking and the glue that was used was eroding away. And there wasn't enough tooth for it to attached too. (I had this problem with my first crown done by this person.  And that popped off after a very short amount of time. Im not surprised this is happening. Im surprised it took this long for it to pop off tho.)

 Anyways, this is why i saw a new dentist cuz this dude who did these porcelain crowns wasn't a good one. Caused me a lot of pain too. So it's nice to have a memory and be a full circle and now soon all my crown work will be done by the same dentist. The one who knows what he is doing.

5:21pm: i need to nap. im very exhausted and my mouth hurts. ill chat with you when i wake up.

Thursday, August 24, 2017


this dude was asking me relationship advice and i was giving him some. and i was going on how bahamian women are jealous and think im a threat. and i was going on how im from canada, im like in a different time zone, im disabled. im totally not appealing. and what not
and this dude asked me how im disabled. and i responded with i live with a lot of health issues.. and the dude said you lying

like he raves about my blog saying im like the big blogger or the best blogger or whatever. so i sad something havent you read my blog?!

because well if you have read my blog you will know shit about my health

"i Hadnt Read In A Minute Because I Was Busy With My New Job I Havent Been Reading Much Blogs Lately Send Me The LInk Because FOr Some Reason Im Very Upset N Hurt Dnt Knw Why"

then i gave him the nutshell version of what i have with links, my allergies, and what not.
like the links are on my profile....

"Honeslty Once In A While I Always Go Thru Your Pics Pr On Your Profile To See How You Doing Ive Never Seen A Link On Your Profile I Just Looked Again"

"Could We Stop Talking About It Because Ive Never Seen It I Didnt Know And You My Good Friend And I had A Frend Once Who Was Sick And he Didnt Telme That Shit Hurt me Deep Yo You Got My Eyes Leakin N Shid in order for me to see you rabout i will have to click on it i never clicked on an about on any of my lists i think maybe now i should"

like it's on my profile, it's all over my blog, i also write about my health on my facebook account, i have an album called random feet pictures.... like im not hiding anything and this dude is like all mad at me for not telling him.. like it's not my fault this dude didnt check my profile out. like actually check it out

like i told him this information isnt new information ive been living with this shit for over a decade...

"Im Reading I Kno Its Not New To You But Understand Its New To Me Your Cool With It Im Jus ..idk But I Just Didnt Know WHat Was Going On But Im Reading"

omg i hate how he fucking types its annoying shit

like i have videos of me walking or me in a wheelchair or me in crutches.. like how do you not know this?! when its everywhere on my profile?!

him and i have been friends since march... like thats enough time to check my profile out...

like i hate when people tell me im lyin or ask how im disabled.

so this person im half chatting too is like saying all she needs to go through with doctors and what not and i wished her all the best. and she like questioned what i meant by that. and im like well im wishing you the best cuz you deserve the best and you deserve to be fixed.. and she is like well i have to see these doctors cuz im in pain. and im like you can see as many doctors as you want doesnt mean you are going to be healed or fixed.

like should have just left with thank you. instead of questioning me why im wishing you all the best

like seriously tho. like you can play the poor me card and it wont get you that far. like you are talking with someone who lives with many diseases and there is no cure for it. you are talking with someone who has messed up eyes because of what she lives with. surgery didnt help me im still have fucked up eyes. im still seeing all these doctors cuz they think they know what the hell they are doing but they dont. half the
them are trying to kill me.

my own eye doctor is wanting me to see other doctors because she believes its not my eyes that needs fixing its my body that needs fixing. no shit sherlock. what i live with you cant fix. so fix my damn eyes.

its like my main doctor for health, he cant help anymore, he wants me to see other doctors. like ive seen other doctors and most of them are trying to kill me. like that allergist who says go have a gluten free diet.. that thing caused me even more pain than i started with. like no.

like this one doctor my eye doctor wants me to see is this body talk. who like studies bodies and like im sorry i dont want to relive my past all over again just so i can fucking see out of my eye balls. like no thanks

More Cotton Candy Please!!!!

Wednesday August 23rd 2017 - HAIR DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hair: Halie
Salon: Alter Ego's Hair Company

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

A Comic Book

(i wrote this to my friend)

you know that if we like were a power couple and we live together and like are an item for life basically. so husband and wife. anyways, like if you did comic books, i probably would find my way into your comic books. and those who really read comics or look at everything in a comic book, will find hidden messages.

anyways, so these hidden messages would be about me or about you, or they would just be a signature of mine.

so youll have this huge fan base cuz they want more comics for from you. and one day im no longer in the picture for whatever the reason it is. and your fans start to realize that something is missing from your comic books. and they just dont know what exactly. so they would go through all your comic books look through everything take pictures of these hidden messages/my name.. and realize that is the piece that is missing.

they dont know how to reach you or contact you. since you like to be a private person. but somehow word of mouth gets them to buy comics books of yours. and people start creating social media accounts, wanting to know what happened to the comic books why the hidden messages/my name is gone, like what happened.

and you finally come across all this, because you dont use social media much. and you end up writing a new comic book. and its about this girl and the life story but in a comic book format.. and the last page, she dies.

and the fans dont know how to respond. they dont know how to reach you. they dont wanna over step. they dont know who this girl is but they know that you loved her very much. they start a facebook page, wanting you to create more comic books. and they know its hard for you to add her name to each one. so instead of you doing it, your fans create their own pictures of the girl's name (my name). so now, your comic books have your story line/pictures, and a lucky fan's picture of my name for each book. so your fans are now apart of your comic books. 

and you become even bigger after the love of your life dies, your comic books are still making you wealthy, and you have fans across the world supporting you what you love doing.

new eyes - 2

i really dislike talking about this subject. it's not the most happiest thing ever either. i still cant see perfectly. i still have problems. certain things makes my vision worse. example: being upside down, being on antihistamines, certain lights, wearing sunglasses, etc. it's annoying. it's even more annoying, when you go to eye doctors and they cant help you either. saying stuff like your vision is fine. or are you sure you have this.. like people, i know i cant see well. i know i have problems. im running in to walls again. im still extremely jumpy. my face is still hurting cuz im straining too much. like why cant i have 20/20 like i did for 3 days. i want that back.

Friday August 18 2017 (talkin to a friend):
Im in the office waiting for my appointment.
I did some tests. Now my eyes have dilation drops in and im waiting for the doctor now.
My left eye is flippin annoying.
Like the eye exam reading the screen. My left i saw letters and letters above the actual letters and it never got fixed.
My left eye didn't stop seeing the letters that weren't actually there.
Like you have 5 letters. I have letters above those letters. Those above letters shouldn't be there. That aint normal.
My eyes are dilated.
Im still waiting for the doctor                      
I had a trip... like ttttrrrrriiiippppppppppppyyyyyyy..                      
I see 3 of everything.                    
My eyes still dilated. Still waiting. Im pretty sure they are behind                      
I was extremely hyper and now im tired. My mom says that's what i do. I just wanna sleep to stop seeing blur. Like i give up and sleep.  And im like sounds about right                      
Finally saw the doctor                      
I don't know all the terms and what not. But i am getting worse. And i will be getting a prescription to go get a contacts to put over my implants                      
It's my left eye's fault                      
My extremely 3 people blurriness is gone, meaning im coming out of dilation                      
Im still dilated. Im home and everything was awful                    
Been a long long day                      
Im tired of sitting. Im extremely hungry. I brought fruit snacks with me to eat. I had iced tea for the drive. And yeah                      
I have an eye doctor appointment with my main eye doctor next week so i can try contacts. So there is a plan now                      
Once im stable which i may not ever be. I can get lasik done. If my left ever never stops getting worse and i go back to be really bad like how i was before surgery. I most likely will have surgery again to get a new implant lens                      
And i may need to keep on getting stronger contacts too. So yeah. My eyes are still fucked

Saturday August 19 2017 (facebook status):
my vision is getting worse.
im not getting better.
my left eye has problems.
im going to be getting contacts, to go over my implant lens.
if i can be stable, i can get lasik. if not, ill be getting another surgery in the future for a new implant lens.
all i want is my 20/20 back that i had for 3 days after surgery.

Tuesday August 22 2017 (talking to a friend):
My mom said that the eye surgeon guy wants me to come in every 3 weeks to check my eyes and watch my progress. So he now knows that office now knows  that my eyes are changing fast and not getting better.                        
I may need to have cornea surgery and that may fix all my eye sight problems.                        

So now I'm kinda back being a test subject again since im being monitor every month.

(after appointment)

No contacts for me.
Cant wear them. They don't fix anything.
My eye doctor wants me to see other doctors that are eye doctors.  And im like what i live with cant be fixed. So im stuck with bad vision.                        
Like she said at least you wake up being able to seem and im like no. I wake up being really blurry and it takes an hour for the extremely blurry to disappear.  
Like i was in a change room today, i got a jumper or romper thing. It was shorts and a tank top in one.
And the longer i was in the change room the worse my vision got.                       
The more i bend over more my vision goes. Like it's sad                        
And it's frustrating each appointment i go too i don't get help. It doesn't fix anything                        
And my eye doctor is like you've gone a long ways going from heavy strong prescription to eye surgery to not needing to wear glasses.  And im like i still not 100% i still have problems. 
And she is like even if you had 20/20 for months your eyes will catch up and give you focusing issues. And im like ill always have problems.                        
And back in tears i go                        
Im done talking about my eyes. Hate the topic maked me cry every day.                        
And i still regret getting surgery                        

And yes im crying

Tuesday Augst 22 2017 (facebook status):
contacts do not work. they dont even fix my problem.
another note, the eye surgeon dude, wants me to come in every 3 weeks, to check on my eyes. and see how much it changes and what not. so they are going to be monitoring me. and eventually i may be having cornea surgery (lasik) to help fix my problem. but i need to be stable in order to do that.
but yeah, welcome to my life of my weird messed up eyesight.

new eyes
new eyes - 3

My Dream... - 9

sunday aug 20th, 2017
I had a dream i peed my pants and i was on the computer. like it just wouldnt stop flowing. i went downstairs to get cleaning supplies, and i had to dodge my dad (i dunno why he wouldnt let me by), and i grabbed a 2L bottle of cherry cola to help remove the urine from the carpet... i didnt even make it upstairs, before i woke up. i had to check myself/bed to see if i actually peed, but i didnt. i went to the bathroom just in case. after that, i went back to sleep.

i had another dream. I dunno where I was but i ended up being in an extremely weird town and as a large group we went in this building. Each door lead to somewhere else. The last room i was in was in the men's closet room. And we were looking through everything looking for stuff. I don't know what. This lady came and turned the lights on and said everyone out now. (She was say the person we shouldn't get caught by). So a small group of us, took a new door that lead us to a hallway and we picked a random door. And now we are outside. In this very strange town. And it started walking down the street. We sang a song... and the weird town people did too. It was sooo weird i woke up.

Monday, August 14, 2017

My Dream... - 8

i had this dream august 14th, 2017

like i went to the zoo.. first my dad had to pick my sister up and he said could have just used the train. then my dad had to find my mom, which didnt take long i said she was outside in the back, but apparently she was in the front. then we went to the zoo. my sister was apparently drunk and it was her birthday, and she stamped her body with the get in zoo stamp... but apparently it was also her daughter's birthday too.. and she was wearing a tiara, and a sign saying she wanna ride the rides because today she is old enough...

so the zoo people got us all these booklets for tickets to do the rides and the games. we kinda highjacked the zoo office. apparently my oma was there and was using the phone, but we told her we had to go because the people who work there actually needed to use the phone.
we went to this weird building, i thought we were going to see animals but apparently we went into the craft room, and they were making sandwiches... with those melon ball tools... so tiny balls of sandwich... and then it was full of toddlers like babies in diapers. and my nephew was there apparently, and i asked if he pooped but he said you can check. and im like i dont check i just asked if you needed a diaper change and he said no. then i saw this kid with eyemake up on... and im like uh i dont know you.. but i think you pooped.
and then i woke up.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

B & E

god doesnt physical heal everyone, why people die. but he heals them in other ways. i know that i wont be 100% heal. ive already accepted that and moved on. i dont let what i have eat me up or let it ruin my life. i still do things. i may not be able to do everything, but i still do things. i still have a good heart. i never was a bad soul. like i scream a lot when i kill a spider. im not the ones who will go burn down a house cuz  a spider was in it. i wouldnt even know how to light a match id be to scared. im getting off topic. like i want to give your mom flowers, because i know what its like to live with health crap. its a gesture that is thoughtful and sweet. im not there in person to send her a flower each day, or make her smile each day or laugh or whatever. but i still can think about sending her stuff. i send you pictures to send to your mom. like she is thought of every day in canada. i dunno if you know that or if she knows that, but i think about her and send good thoughts.

after my last relationship, i thought god didnt have anyone for me. like the guy i want didnt exist, it only happens in the movies. which is basically all fake cuz those are all scripted. i rather be single than be in an abusive relationships. and its sad to hear that, cuz all the ones ive been are abusive relationships. i dont know what a real relationship is. i dont know what love is. not the kind in relationships. the love i have for people, i dont get back when im dating someone. it doesnt happen.

and then you came along, i havent even met you yet, and im already in love with you. you tell me stories of your past relationships and how they treated you like this or how they didnt like anything you did. and all i could think of is i want that. i want what you have. i want what you give when you are in relationship. i want to experience that.  i just want to be with you. i believe you are made for me, that you are supposed to be in my life and we are supposed to be together. i never felt this much of a connection with anyone. not even the ones ive dated.  or the ones ive talked to for a few months or whatever. you make me forget a lot of things, like a lot of bad shit. you make me dream and hope for things. i cant stop thinking when im with you. i wanna something with you, at least once a day. i dont care what, just something that isnt laying around doing nothing, that isnt just sex based. i wanna enjoy life with you and i wanna explore the world with you.