Saturday, November 16, 2019

Reflection 2

over the past couple say weeks, a lot has changed towards what i want to do with my life. i have been debating on deleting everything i have (that's been a debate pretty much this whole entire year).

as much as i dislike what pinterest did to me the other day, im actually thankful for the troubles they caused me. they stopped allowed me pinning blog posts a certain way and i had to use a picture. which means i had to go through all my blog posts to add pictures to it. i relived my life (3 years of blogging) in a couple of days. i am not the same person as i was when i started this blog, nor am i in need of keeping majority of the blog posts i had. so what did i do? i deleted over a hundred blog posts, i edit a lot of them, and i added pictures to each post that i saved.

however my newer posts, those dont have pictures yet, it's a work in process. basically when i want to go on pinterest and pin my blog posts, is when i go and add a picture. or if i have the website where i create the pictures open, ill create a picture and add it to the blog post.

tonight i added a bunch of posts that i havent created pictures for, but that will come another day.

besides deleting blog posts, i also went and deleted a blog which turned into two blogs. so let's just back track to like some time in 2019, i had 6 blogs because i was bored with 4 of them. i deleted two because i didnt want them anymore, and one brought a lot of hate which i never wanted. and now two of my blogs have been deleted because one was meant for my ex (yes i didnt mentioned that part above but now i am), and the other was for people from twitter (i kept on changing the idea for that blog).

my ex is my ex and that blog is a piece that i need to delete from my life. i thought i could handle having it because of information that was on it, but it turned more into how much i hate life and single life and it was a very depressing blog. you could tell i was extremely hurt by everyone. also, i dont believe the person that is right for me even exists, so why am i wishing on something that isnt real. i dont want that in my life anymore.

and the one about other bloggers.. i had different ideas, i had a phone book thing a couple times, it was more work than i wanted to do for a blog. and im pretty sure i pissed people off with it. it just wasnt for me, and when i turned it in to my friends or talking about other bloggers, i kinda had to wait until i felt inspired by something i read of theirs or they touched me in a way that made me all warm and fuzzy. and also, there were times when i was in the mood to write something but twitter drama happened and it ruined what i was going to say. (i attract drama wherever i am. and for the most part, i dont really talk to people.)

i also deleted my facebook page, because well let's just say ive invited all my friends and i have more people from twitter who are following my page than my friends on facebook. i also dont want it either. i want to use my facebook as an escape instead of running a facebook page. and really i probably will get more views if i just post back to my facebook wall. since i have a lot more friends than i had likes/followers.

this whole blogging thing used to be therapeutic to me, i used to have an escape from the life i live or just let whatever i need out. but over time, as in say this year, it drew even more unwanted attention to me from people who really didnt like me.

okay, when i first started blogging, back in 2016, i pretty much didnt exist as a blogger. my friend got me started on it. i found some others and that was pretty much it. fast forward to 2019, some how it wasnt just hundreds of bloggers it was thousands and thousands of bloggers. it's exhausting try to keep track of everyone. and majority of them are bloggers to make money. which was never my reason as to why i blogged in the first place. i never wanted money from any of the blogs i had/have. i've had plenty of discussions about this topic with people, and i always got the weird looks and the questions and i again i was tired of explaining myself.

there's a lot of blogs out there that i wont read for many reasons. there's also plenty of them like hundreds or thousands of them, that are just like the others. and it's like what happened to originality, being personal, and just being vulnerable for using your voice. so many bloggers are writing for their followers/viewers and many of them have lost the ability to blog for themselves. it's depressing really.

i got tired of fighting for the way i blog and letting people know it was normal to not want or need to make money from your blog. that you didnt have to write for your viewers/followers, or even have a blogging schedual either, what happened to just blogging because you wanted to? i got tired of giving my opinion, feedback, or views in general of whatever the topic may be. i got tired of being the black sheep of the blogging community because i never will follow everyone else.

a lot of my blogger friends have changed because they are making money now from their blogs. they removed what made their blog special because it wasnt making them money or adsense or ad companies didnt like the way they had their blog. speaking of ads, i dislike the blogs where the focus are the ads not the blogposts themselves. just because you have space doesnt mean you need an ad there. thank god for adblock.

you can tell im not enjoying this anymore. i have more complaints about my blogging experience than good points/factors about it. but that's life for you, it's not for everyone and no matter what i do, ill be doing it wrong in everyone's eyes because im not them and i choose not to be either.

it's just like my art. im not accepted by majority of the people out there, because i do it wrong. i dont sell my work (i tried, for the most part it failed). i dont do online payments because that isnt my life. it took me years to figure out how to buy stuff on itunes when i myself am a cash girl. i had to figure out how because the stores majority of them are closed, i dont have a credit card, and a lot of the songs i want arent even in stores because they are not in this country. and because i was late to the party i missed out on a lot of great albums.

but back to my art. i see giveaways for this and that and they get so much attention on their tweets. my art is for free, i give majority of it away, am i noticed or seen that i do that? no. why because again im the black sheep of the art community on twitter.

the art community i have to say is like being in school all over again, a ton of haters, a lot of drama, and so many scams. i dont fit in because i dont sell my work, i dont smoke weed, i dont dress the part, i dont do this and i dont do that and blah blah blah.

i dont fit anywhere.

my art instagram account gets more attention than my main account. my main account on twitter has more followers than my second, and it's very hard to get liked on my second account. i thought using art would help, but im invisible for the most part.

my main blog (this one you're reading on) has recently hit 70k views, and majority of that came from twitter from working my butt off from tweeting my stuff a lot. i dont pay for views or pay people to get me views, i do it mostly on my own. i help others or try to help others to receive the traffic i get from twitter and they are always surprised that their views go up. and it's like you have to tweet your links a lot.

my art blog is doing really well for being a blog that i created jan 2019. i most likely will hit 20k before 2020. and for me that's really good. plus, my family members read that one and enjoy it.

i personally would rather be painting than being online. which is why i have given a lot of paintings away because i need the room (for more paintings). i dont have unlimited supplies either, i dont have money so when i do receive it i go out shopping for art supplies. and half the time when i receive money i pay my mom for buying me art supplies when i didnt have the money too.

i need a new phone ive been saying this for years. but i rather use my money towards art supplies than going out to get a new phone. my phone is like 6 years old, i can wait until it doesnt function anymore. but it gets frustrating when apps give you a damn hard time. because your phone is extremely out dated.

anyways, i need to end this.

i am 30. art is my present & future.

p.s. pinterest is pretty much a scam, because you can get 2.3k views on one pin, but 0 people click the link. or your account can have almost 600k monthly viewers, but a very small number of those people are clicking the links you are attaching with your pins. so all of those who are making money with pinterest are pretty much lying to everyone. and pinterest is free, why are people paying you to use it?! that isnt right.

p.s.s. i deleted my pinterest accounts, they are no help. and because i did that, why do i have pictures on my blog that doesnt need to be there.. so what am i going to do? delete all the pictures i added so i can pin to pinterest. thanks pinterest.

Friday, November 15, 2019

Nov 15th

Today's My 30th Birthday!!!!


[surprisingly, im actually excited about my birthday and my party now. it took a lot of emotional stress, frustration, editing/deleting posts and a blog (yes, i recently deleted one of my blogs), tears a lot of tears, and distraction on twitter/pinterest to get to where i am now.]

i dont feel like im 30 yet, mostly because i technically wasnt born yet :P (i was born around 6:58pm on the 15th of november).  but besides that, the house has been getting set up for my birthday party that is tomorrow. and i had one of the biggest surprises today, when i went upstairs (my room is in the basement).

im just going to show you in pictures and talk about it afterwards:




for a long time now, ive been wanting birthday number balloons to celebrate a birthday of mine... and i got it with my 30th!!!! as i was walking up the stairs, i think my mom was standing at the top to "block" the view, she also wished me a happy birthday... and my sister who was over was singing me happy birthday, and before she could finished i saw the balloons. i was extremely excited, smiling huge, and clapping so much when i saw them. and next thing you know, i was on a table and my sister was taking pictures of me!

after the mini photoshoot, i went to starbucks to get a free drink (it's my birthday, the email told me from the card i have that i get a free one). i also bought myself a snowman cookie to go with it. so im drinking a peppermint hot chocolate, and eventually ill eat my snowman cookie. i actually might save it tonight when i may watch a christmas movie on netflix. oh did i mention starbucks have their christmas cups!!! 

i've been receiving birthday messages, tweets, texts, and wall posts. i posted pictures that ive posted here on my social media accounts. and im just enjoying life at the moment.



Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Nov 12th

3 more days until my birthday, in a nutshell im still not looking forward to it.

♥♥♥♥♥
i very much dislike this year 2019. and what have saved me from going insane or wanting to i dunno check myself in somewhere for the sake of not being in this environment, ive found art. even tho, art has always been around me, life itself stopped me from doing most of it. and i always am a comparer, so ill compare myself to the old art ive had, or the art i used to be able to do but not able to do anymore. or whatever the excuse or reasoning may be.

once i got back on track of painting, and basically a year, ive been painting a whole lot. ive been painting with acrylics and watercolours, mostly with watercolours when nicer weather hit. but because it's winter, ive kinda gotten back into acrylics again.

the reason why i mentioned for basically a year, because last year for my birthday i wanted art supplies, and i got a ton from my aunt, who's a local artist here in the city. and knowing that my birthday/party is coming up, all i want to do is paint and receive art supplies.

i have also realized that i rather be painting, than being on the computer doing my usual stuff. but that just cant always happen, since ill be out of supplies very quickly. and lately on the computer it's just been blah and why am i here. it's depressing, basically.

♥♥♥♥♥
to get me in a better mood for today's (tuesday) dinner plans, i had to paint. i moved stuff around in my room, so i could have a flat surface and a clean space. i took out some stuff to paint on, opened up new packages of palette knives, and grabbed the paints i wanted to use.

i ended up painting this picture called Chaos. it pretty much sums up my headspace.
♥ Elissa

♥♥♥♥♥
an early birthday dinner celebration with my brother and his two girls, with our parents, and myself. we went out to boston pizza, this time around i ordered off the kids menu, even had dessert from the kids menu. and speaking of art supplies, i received a michaels giftcard from my brother and nieces. so you already know what im going to spend that on... art supplies.. most likely canvases and acrylic paints.

so you can say i am slowly looking forward to celebrating my birthday... mostly because art is involved.



Sunday, November 10, 2019

Nov 10th

5 more days until it's my birthday.

yes, i know ive missed some days, but really i havent been in the mood to move much or to type anything. daylight savings is hitting me hard this year, but really since august the weather has been hitting me hard. daylight savings just ruin things for me, because even tho we went back an hour, it feels like we went back 3 hours. like say 5pm feels like 8pm. or even 3pm feels like it's 6pm.

i crash somewhere between 3am to 4am, and i wake up around 10am - 12pm (the same day i might add). when i wake up im extremely tired, and for the most part i cant fall back to sleep. other times, ill be able too so ill continue sleeping, until i really cant sleep anymore or i get over heated. but it's like when the afternoon comes, like later on in the afternoon, say 3pm, i feel like going to bed and going back to sleep.

usually im on the computer for the afternoon, but lately ive been avoiding that. or im on the computer for a very short period of time, to update something.. like if post art pictures, ill take time to write a post or two about it. or other times i just avoid the computer in general.

the other day, i went on errands with my mom, to go shopping for birthday party supplies. but when "nighttime hits" it's just evening and im already exhausted and tired. plus, it's been cold, and ive been really cold. so that doesnt help me either.

even as im writing this i cant stop yawning. but the weird thing tho, i already had a nap... like yesterday as in saturday, i was crashing around 5pm. i went to sleep closer to 6pm. i woke up about 3-4 hours later, and i thought it was morning. but no, it was still saturday night. so i was wide awake. and what did i do? i went up two flight of stairs to use the computer. ive been on here for 3-4 hours.

ive written a blog post on my art blog, which ill be doing another one after i write this. i hit the max limit of tweets for a period of time on my main twitter, which makes it boring on my other account on twitter. (my main account has almost 6k followers, while my second account is almost at 2k followers. and my other account isnt that popular compare to my main, so it's pretty much dead.)

my facebook games are pretty much boring me, but they have been for a while now. it's like i can only do so much for a period of time, and it's like the less active i am the more help i receive which is annoying. because i need the help while im playing not while im offline. my twitter is like that too, i receive more notifications while im offline than while im active being online.

i also know this blog post isnt really about my birthday or my birthday party, mostly about how damn tired i am and not getting much sleep either, and why i havent been writing daily blog posts. i already knew beforehand, that i mostly likely wouldnt be writing daily blog posts, but i just wanted to know how long i could do it.

my blogger post is giving me problems, so if this doesnt post, im sorry about that.

oh did i mention i hate winter? well i do. at the rate im going, i most likely will be tired, exhausted, and drained for my birthday and my party. you can thank the weather we have.



Wednesday, November 06, 2019

Nov 6th

9 more days until my birthday. and it's winter outside. whoopee. (you cant see my face but it's not a happy one i can say that.) im not looking forward to my birthday, and there are plenty reasons why.

a) the amount of pain i am in, it's not worth celebrating
b) the weather outside, i dislike winter very much
c) i have death ages, because i live with diseases that dont have cures, and you guess it, 30 is my next death age.
d) most people dont know the 3rd reason, but i figured it was about time to say something.
e) did i mention i dont like celebrating another year older, because it's another year of living in pain. whoop de doo.

so yes, it's 9 more days until my birthday, but im still not looking forward in celebrating it.

however, two of my twitter friends and their cats are going to help celebrate my birthday with me. so that's something new and fun, it made me smile when i read messages from them.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

i tried to get excited for my birthday that is coming up, so i thought i should just go ahead and paint for the afternoon. i painted with acrylics on my watercolour paper. i kinda used the theme from my birthday party (tropical) but because it's winter outside it's like "winter wonderland meets tropical paradise". so i used silver and blue paint, and i used orange shades and yellow, and red as well, plus i used green and black. 

i have to say, i very much enjoyed myself getting back into acrylics, and knowing that ill be painting with acrylics for my birthday party, makes me excited for my party. and it's not because ill be 30, but because ill be painting, and painting makes me in a better mood.

p.s. this is why i love using acrylics:

p.s.s. a couple paintings:
Winter Wonderland Meets Tropical Paradise
♥ Elissa

(there's a series of them, but i decided to post my favourite)

♥ Elissa

if you would like to view more of my paintings from the day, head over to my art blog.



Tuesday, November 05, 2019

Nov 5th

10 more days until my birthday, and it's snowing... even got a snowfall warning. if you dont know i dislike winter very much. and knowing that the snow showers from the weekend turned into light snow, and now it's officially snowing... you can tell what this month is going to bring you. my guess, more snow.

am i looking forward to celebrating my birthday, nope.
am i looking forward to paint for my birthday party, you betcha.
am i looking forward to seeing who is able to come, also you betcha.
but the celebrating part, no.

because it's snowing im not looking forward to this week at all.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

on a different note, i was able to go to the post office and ship off two art packages i have for people. a package is filled with 1 acrylic painting (8in x 10in), about 30 watercolour paintings. one of the packages today was a bit different, i sent her my cartoon characters i have that i did out of markers. so she received more marker pictures than watercolour paintings. but she still got an acrylic painting from me. this is my way of thanking her for having me on one of her artist vlogs. (i am a huge fan of her youtube channels So, Do You Like Stuff? & So, Do You Like Beauty?, so when i got asked to be featured in a up coming video, i was thrilled. so i got all the questions answers, gave her photos of my work, and she added me into her video.) and now, hopefully the package of art arrives, and maybe she will be filming her unopening the package. 

the video that my art is featured on:


and the other person who i shipped off an art package too, im a fan of her and her blog as well. i have a blog post called A Review of the Eloise Hospital which would have been my reply to her post Haunted Michigan: Return to Eloise Hospital if it allowed me to comment my response.

also if you could help her out and fill her list of kitkats (so she can try all the flavours), that would be a big help. :)




Sorry, Not Sorry Productions

Sorry, Not Sorry Productions is a not-for-profit improv company that my extremely talented cousin, Glenna, is involved with. She is also part of the Prairie Improv Federation as well.


this isnt my realm of expertise, so i have a hard time explaining what she actually does, but i know that she's involved with a group of amazing talented people. they put on improv shows with very nerdy topics (DND for example.. that's dungeons & dragons), they have trivia night, and they have fundraiser events as well.

i live in a different city from my cousin, so i havent been able to seen any shows. but that doesnt stop me from tweeting, sharing facebook events, and now blogging about the events they have.

if you are free, need a good belly laugh or knee slapping kind of laugh, i got shows for you!

♥♥♥♥♥

All the King's Men: A BroDown Hoedown: Mansplaining w/ DragKings
Date: Saturday Nov 23rd
Time: 7pm
Location: Grindstone Theatre (Old Strathcona/Richie Area)
10019 81 Ave NW, Edmonton, Alberta




Monday, November 04, 2019

Nov 4th

11 more days until it's my birthday, and im not really looking forward to celebrating my new age. the day after my birthday will be my party, and what im looking forward about that is seeing people and painting. im not looking forward to the weather, the pain, and whatever else goes wrong for my birthday and party. but i am getting excited that i'll be painting on my birthday and i'll be painting for my birthday party. and if you dont know by now, i really love to paint.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

speaking of painting for those who dont know... this i what i can do (watercolours):




p.s. but for my birthday party i believe we are painting with acrylics...




if you would like to see more of my art please follow me:
instagram
blog
twitter


Sunday, November 03, 2019

Nov 3rd

so for those who are paying attention, 12 more days until i turn 30. im still not looking forward to this day, because well i usually am not looking forward to my birthday every year. i dont like the month, i dont like the weather, and i dont like the pain i live with.

my mom is trying to get me all excited for my birthday or my birthday party, but yeah no. i have changed my plans for my birthday party, not sure if ive mentioned it in previous posts. the theme and date are the same. i changed my food from what i originally wanted to my go to food that i tend to have for my birthday. the activities have changed for more something id like to do. and personally all i want to do is just paint for the day. so we're trying to find out ways to do that. we're going to have a cookie station and a canvas/paint station.

some people are able to come and some are not able to come, some havent asked yet but eventually will be. and some just havent responded. so i really dont know who is all coming or the amount of people who will be attending.

i also have some plans with people who are not able to come, to meet up days before my birthday to go out for supper or so. which is good, because i can end up eating pasta. (let's just say having braces makes you enjoy eating pasta.)

i cant say what my pain level is going to be, i cant say what the weather is going to be either, but as this week is coming, im not looking for the week to come. we have snow, it's cold, and this week just isnt a good week for me.



Saturday, November 02, 2019

Nov 2nd

as the countdown continues, 13 more days until it's my birthday. am i looking forward to celebrating the big 3-0? still a negative. am i looking forward to celebrating my birthday at all, still a no. have i changed the plan for my birthday party many times? you betcha. i know the date id like to have it, it's been that for months now i believe. it was even talked about thanksgiving of when it's happening, some people were paying attention and others were not.

some have been chatting with my mom about the day of what im doing or whatever, it's half up in the air. i dont have the times or really what we're doing. just know people are coming over and i know the food we're having and the theme too. but who's to say i can even attend my own party.

some of the family members are unable to come because a function is happening, others are wanting to go to an event. some who are not my family members but id like to invite, most likely arent going to be able to attend because there's an event happening in the morning, and it sounds like it's across the city. and i really havent seen them outside of my appointments, so i dunno if that's going to be weird or not.

i dunno, it's just another day that get's closer to my birthday.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

on a different note, non birthday related, i got a new pair of sunglasses today. i really like them because of the tint they have. they make everything not so damn bright. i may post a picture of them later on. right now, im just seeing if they work in my "everyday life". im not going to go into detail as to why these sunglasses are important to me, but if you have read my blog, youll know why. if you havent, maybe you should catch up on your blog reading :P






Friday, November 01, 2019

Nov 1st

for those who dont know, my count down has begun. and the interesting thing about this count down, every year i have it, and every year i dont like the day im counting down too. and you are probably thinking why on earth would i have a count down to a day i dont like. well in 14 days it's my birthday. am i looking forward to it? nope not really. why? i am in a lot of pain on my birthday, i usually hate the weather, and i dont feel like celebrating another year of living with diseases.

every year, not that long after i celebrated my birthday i plan for the next birthday im having. and when it gets closer to the next birthday, i always back out of the plans i make. however this year, i knew my plans for my birthday most likely wont happen and i also knew it couldnt happen because we dont have the funds to do so. i knew this since well pretty much jan 2019. and as the months got closer and the life ive had, my plans for my birthday would never happen.

having a boyfriend for my birthday, nope not happening. having bahamians for my birthday, nope still not happening. living with out pain for my birthday, nope never going to happen. and the way this year has been going, i wouldnt be surprised if im not mobile for my birthday. the older i get the hard it is for me. having a birthday bash for my party, not going to happen either, we dont have the funds to do that anyways. inviting friends for my birthday. yah which friends? my friends are online, makes me more depressed actually. the amount of times ive had only family birthday parties, is really depressing.

inviting people from appointments, yeah i can do that. but it makes me more depressed because well they are from appointments, they work there. just like inviting friends of my parents, they are really more of my parents friends than my own friends.

there are some family members who understands the pain or crap i go through and there are ones who im not comfortable with ruining their day if i end up not able to walk or i end up in a wheelchair. and if i plan this so called birthday party, and the day of i have to cancel it, it's like well that's a waste. i should have not put any thought into this and just not had a party in the first place.

it's like i wanted to wear a new dress for my party, but if i cant walk that day, you really can see im not walking when my legs are exposed. and say if this tropical birthday party im planning and the weather turns are extremely cold outside, that's not going to be fun either.

and this year is a big birthday too, the birthday i turn 30. the year where i look back on everything ive done or what others have done before they are 30. and it's like yup compare to my family members i havent accomplished much before this age. compare to my cousins, yup i still havent done anything they have done. which makes me even more depressed knowing this is my life, while others are having theirs. and im still the one wishing for a better or different life.

i knew months or even years in advance my 30th is going to be a hard one. and it's not because people have midlife crises or crises in general. it's because my body is getting worse the older i get, and it's not fun at all. ive been hating the year 2019, pretty much every damn day, since it started. ive been wishing for 2020 since jan 1st 2019.

so my 30th is coming up, and celebrating that "it's a miracle i'm alive" isnt worth all this stress or anxiety that comes with it, trying to plan a birthday party. it's like people can celebrate without me, they probably would have a lot more fun if i wasnt there.


Friday, October 25, 2019

Lately

i have posted a video on instagram, showing how i walk when it gets really bad. i turned the comments off because i didnt want to get asked a bunch of questions, even tho that still happened because people sent me DMs. i also didnt want people to feel sorry for me or telling me i should go to the doctor and get it checked out. like honestly all this unwanted attention is a reason why i dont post much of what i live with as in pictures/videos wise. i would just stick with talking about it on my blog or something. because this way people cant reply to my posts on here. and on instagram if i would post a foot picture, id get all the feet fetishes coming after me, and it's like disgusting because how in the world is a purple foot sexy?! exactly, it's not.

anyways, so this video shows me walking a week ago, and during this time the weather was up and down and getting really cold. this week or so the weather has been very damn windy that doesnt help my body at all either. the cold doesnt like me nor does the wind.

moving on, i wrote this caption under the video:

"A glimpse into my life that doesn't get shown as much.

Exposing myself this way makes me feel vulnerable and weak. It brings tears to my eyes watching myself walk on the playback. It's very painful to walk like this but i dont have control over it. Im not always like this, but the weather is a huge factor.

The legs/knees buckling happens a lot at night, but lately this has been an all day thing too.

It's hard to convince people im disabled when all they see are pictures from the waist up. It's also hard in person too because im not always walking.

Being on vacation is completely different because of the heat. But i can still be like this there as well.

And majority of the time i see my flaws which to me doesn't make me feel pretty or beautiful. So when im in love with pictures of myself, everyone will see them. Because they get to see what i wish i saw all the time.

And for those who wonder what makes me different or that special thing that i have and others dont. My life makes me who i am. Being able to make someone's day by my own actions or my own words that i post. Being able to make someone smile because of something i did. The little things gets me through the day/night and the pain i live in."



♥♥♥♥♥

when the weather is bad, you dont find me much on the computer, especially when i cant walk well. just moving a foot or two, takes the energy right out of me. and you have to use other muscles to help you move, and that just makes everything so damn sore. and the video that is on my instagram, i was like that for a week. didnt matter if i was using the computer, watching tv, on my bed, or standing, walking was extremely difficult because my legs/feet turned inwards.

i do what i can but i cant always do what i want. a lot of times ill take breaks from the computer and it could be days before i last was on. by the time i make it to the computer, i have to play catch up and before i start doing what i wanted to do on the computer. some days ill play catch up on my blogs, update things. other times ill catch up on my pinterest accounts, since those are on going projects of mine. ill play catch up with my facebook games. some days ill do my traffic tweet days, and those take some time because i can only tweet so much for a period of time until it blocks me.

ill even play catch up with my paintings, im behind on my surprise packages, i have two that are needing to be shipped off, but i have others i need to get done as well. but that takes time, because im not always in a painting mood, and lately my painting isnt the same as if it was summer. i paint things based on my mood or whatever phase i am in.

there are days where i catch up on my tv watching and after that is all good, i go back to netflix and continue watching whatever im watching. or catch up with watching tv with the parents.

and when it's errand day, that takes time away from the computer stuff, since im not on the computer when im out and about. like the weather gets nice and it's good time for me to get out and catch up on stuff. like the other day i went shopping to get art supplies. because i have an art project i need to do and that will take loads of my time since it's one big canvas i need to paint. 

so as you can see, even if im not blogging, im still doing stuff to distract myself. or speed up the day until a better day comes. or wishing for better weather to come so i can move a whole lot faster.

i am around just not always here.


Wednesday, October 09, 2019

Vacation Thoughts

going into this vacation i knew it wasnt going to be the same as previous vacations, i also knew i didnt want to go either but i made previous plans and arrangements, and well i didnt want to draw attention to myself at all (i wanted to fly under the radar).

knowing that the older i get, the worse my health is, and travelling becomes a lot harder on my body than it once was. also knowing that i can be in a lot of pain while being on vacation, ruins vacation for me. the joys of vacation, doesnt do it for me anymore, because the week of being "pain free" isnt there anymore. the week of catching up on my lost sleep or lack of sleep, also isnt happening anymore either. and knowing that i can end up being sicker than i was on the trip, isnt a good sign for me at all. 

my vision isnt the greatest down there.
swimming (which i didnt do at all this time) is harder for me because i get even more waterlogged and im always out of breath.
im allergic to the sandflies/sandfleas down there and im allergic to mosquitoes too (surprisingly i didnt get bit at all this vacation, and i didnt even wore bug spray). 
i react to the foods i eat as well (i dont always get what i order, people arent honest with what is inside the food, and restaurants like to change their menus too).
i am always so damn cold because of the A/C.
my foot still goes purple, even on vacation.
im still in pain and i still get migraines too.

having a vacation from my own life, doesnt exist for me anymore, because my life is still with me while im on vacation. i cant get away from it anymore. i dont have a break and i rather be living with my crappy life in the comfort of my home, instead of being somewhere tropical not being able to have the comfort im used too.

and im still dealing with the crap that has happened to me because of this country from the past 3 years. still dealing with the crap from the breakup i had, letting people know what actually happened, and trying to have people understand why being on vacation is a lot harder for me this time around then before. like receiving a lot of hate from a country you once loved, is very hard to continue being in the country. and explaining why you dont love this country anymore or why it's not your happy place either, not everyone understand what you are saying. so it ends up being frustrating and you're in tears.  people just dont understand or get it.

like i have two friends who want me to make money of my blog, and it doesnt matter how many times i say no, or why i dont want too. it's not a good enough reason/answer for them. and it's like, i rather stick to being who i am, than changing who i am because im making money from it.

i even told them that i deleted one of my blogs, they were surprised, to me i wasnt i didnt want it anymore. i didnt want the hate that i received either. they asked if do vlogs, i have my youtube for 5 years or so, i got a lot of videos on there. do people care or watch them, not really. why because i really am not loved. i get told by them that im a twitter influencer, i cant even get people donate to a hurricane relief link. if i was a twitter influencer id be very popular on twitter and im not. the only reason i can think of why people say that i am, because of certain tweets i am. but really if you read the tweet, im doing people a favour not them doing me a favour. so of course it will get a lot of attention.

i also know they want me to make money, so i can have the funds to come down and visit them and most likely help them out. but really, majority of the time im there, im not happy or excited to be there. yes i love the palm trees and the heat, i also love their pigeons too. but it isnt enough for me to be like hey, this still is my happy place, because it's not. 

the week i had on vacation i learned more about myself and why i didnt want to be on vacation. what made my vacation was being with my friends. and that was only for 1.5 days of the trip. 

and i know i have family members who would love to be on vacation, and it's like they are welcome to take my spot for future vacations. 

vacation isnt fun for me anymore.


Vacation 2019 - part 6

ummm, the next couple days, i got really sick so my memory is a little fuzzy. i dont remember the order of events we had. so im just going to type out the order that is in my head..

event #1:
we went to the waterpark again, (my dad even came this time) and i was home base again. i was the person who watched everyone's stuff. (i didnt go swimming, first vacation where i didnt go swimming once). i took my art supplies with me and i painted some pictures. i also was distracted because i ate some food, and well you know me and pigeons.

yup, i was feeding pigeons again. it was cute this time around because i had 3, skinny, chubby, and plumpy. plumpy was the prettiest one of them all. yeah i named them, i was bored and having fun. but when more came i couldnt figured out who was who :P anyways, there was a boy in front of me to the side, who was peaking though the chairs and watching me talk to pigeons. yes, i talked to them. i again was teaching them how to eat food from strangers hands. i even hand fed them too. one bit me but it was by accident. i tried feeding them fresh water but that didnt go so well.

i also got other looks because i had a paint table on my lap, and people were more curious of what i was doing. because well you had me either feeding pigeons or painting. i even had a lady who told me i should continue painting. i also watched her stuff too. i watched other people's stuff as well, once she left with her stuff others came. so i said if you leave i can watch your stuff for you. (we were at the waterpark for a good chunk of time).

the pictures that i painted is for inktober, where you have a prompt for each day of october. i dont do this daily, so i was playing catch up, and i believe i painted 3 days worth. (usually people use ink for this but i decided to use watercolours.)

we left and decided to go shopping afterwards. when we got to the stores and such, i ended up walking back with my dad.. let's just say i was sweating so much the outfit was wearing turned my skin a different colour. and i was very excited to have a shower a cold shower when i got back to my room.

event #2:
we took a water taxi to downtown, which isnt the greatest when you're sick and not doing well. i was even more sick feeling on the water taxi. we went downtown for lunch at senors frogs, this is basically the most drunkest restaurant ever. did i mentioned it was very very very loud with music that wasnt really that good? also a lot of whistle blowing too (using whistles), and people getting shots, dancing, and getting really drunk.

the dessert is really good, i had a brownie.

the water taxi back, took extra long in moving and i still didnt feel the greatest either. i couldnt wait to get back to where we were staying.

event #3:
we went to this restaurant called Fish. it's not my cup of tea because i dont like seafood at all. and there isnt really anything on the menu that i can eat, minus the dessert. the first time we went on the trip, i had 2x banana cream pies. (i was going to eat a 3rd for my dessert, but my family was full from apps/entrees).

the second time we went, i had the cheese biscuits with honey butter. omg, these are tasty. i kept on ordering plates of them. for dessert, my sister's boyfriend order banana cream pie. i ended up eating most of it. he shared it with me, and he continued me to eat it. (he knew that i very much loved this dessert, and little did i know he wanted to share something with me), this was a highlight of my trip, sharing a dessert with him.

when it was time to leave, i went over to the waitress that served us the first time, and i gave her a painting of mine. i wanted to thank her for the banana cream pies. she very much enjoyed the painting, didnt know i was an artist, nor that i could even paint that well.

this was the painting i gave her, it was fitting for the theme of the restaurant.

p.s. the last day was travel day, so im happy that im home. i also ended up getting much better being home, and im on the mend of getting over whatever my body is trying to fight off.



vacation 2019
vacation 2019 - part 2
vacation 2019 - part 3
vacation 2019 - part 4
vacation 2019 - part 5

Vacation 2019 - part 5

the day after i was at the waterpark, my mom and myself was picked up by lovely shar, and she took us to her new school, Boost Academy.

While we were there, we got a tour of the new school, it recently was a house that got transferred into a school. this is a small small school, so i believe only 40 students attend (grade 4 to 12). they also do after school programs, and tutoring as well. their gym is at a local fitness centre too. they even take swimming lessons at a near by pool. like this is a pretty amazing school, i wish i had this while i was in school.

the school was a bit of a maze, they also had trip hazards too, which personally im not a fan of. because my eyesight and the way i walk, im always tripping over stuff. or im forgetting there's a step right there, or whatever the case may be. but back to the maze part, one door leads to another room which leads to another room and some how you end up where you started. like it gets confusing, but after so many times walking through, you find shortcuts as to where you need to go.

im pretty sure i looked like deer in the headlights when i entered rooms, trying to figure out where the room i needed to go was at. and this was my first time being here, meeting the students as well, so they probably had no clue what was happening either and we all look at each other. :p but a lot of them were helpful, in letting me know where to go or where everything was.

i even joined a conversation with one of the students, because he was in barefoot, with a cut on his foot. and a teacher didnt like that he was barefoot with a cut (he did have a bandaid) but his foot wasnt protected from the germs around him. so i gave my two cents as to why he needed to wear proper footwear at school. (i may have scared him into wearing shoes :P)

anyways, the reason why my mom and i were there, during this day, was because we came to teach an art class. [my mom brought down a lot of art supplies (powder paint, paper, and brushes), books, and games for the school. i brought down 101 handpainted bookmarks for the school.] we were in i believe i would say an Attic typed room, it had air conditioning, but it didnt make the room cold. it did the opposite, and it was very hot in that room. i helped my mom get the papers ready for the students (my mom wanted to do primary colours in a vendiagram type thing).

some of the students came to help us, stir the powder paint & water to make paint. (powder paint is interesting i tell you. it's like mixing hot chocolate mix with water). eventually we got the right ratio to call it paint.

once we were all ready, (even got newspapers to put over the desks, and moved the desks to make some groups. each group had red, yellow, blue paint. 3 to 4 brushes, and some water as well. we didnt have enough supplies for each person to have their own set of paint, but we made do with what we got.) we introduced ourselves to the students (i believe we had grade 4 to 6, and 10 students). we talked about snow, because well that's what we canadians do, we talk about snow :P actually, the first 4 days of vacation, back home we got a snow storm that it was worth talking about. plus, i believe most or all of these students havent seen snow before. so it's fun seeing the children's faces get excited about something new.

my mom went a head and told the students what we were going to do today, and did the best she could to show what she was talking about. not every student understand what was needed to do, which is fine. painting, colours, and art in general was new for most of them. i myself, tend to go right into painting instead of doing what "you're supposed to be doing", like you dont find me making colour charts with my paints.

once we got past this primary vendiagram thing, the students went ahead and explore with the paints. some just coloured the page with one paint, others went into the abstract part. where they were mixing their own colours, doing the drip effect, some did folding the page in half and seeing the outcome afterwards, and some just had fun with it.

my mom tells this story much better than i did, i was just enjoying the class and seeing smiles on everyone faces. doing something they havent done before, exploring painting, and trying to figure out what they just painted. i let the students know what i thought their painting could be of, and you could kinda see their minds turning or trying to grasp what you see. and others just thought it looked ugly or it was a mistake. so it was fun explaining to them, that art isnt a mistake or ugly, you just gotta think differently when you have art in front of you.

i really liked this one boy's painting, it reminded me of corn in the field. which for me it was perfect for the month of october because in canada we have our thanksgiving. the boy didnt get down with what i said, but my mom came over and mentioned it reminded her of granite. that made the boy lit up.

overall, it was a very fun class. it also was very messy as well, because the paint wasnt the typical paint. the water needed to keep on being changing, and the brushes being rinsed out. we also ran out of paper towels too, so that was a bummer. and i was sweating buckets i was so hot in that room.

after the class was over, my mom and i received a thank you card from the class. (sweet of them). and we cleaned up everything, washed the cups and brushes too, and put the paint supplies on the shelves. afterwards, we took our stuff and went downstairs to the front desk. (shar is at the front desk).

we showed shar the creations from the students, we put them on the floor in the classroom, so they could dry. we also shared our stories with her too. she was very appreciated for having us at her school and teaching the students an art class. and not that long after, it was time for us to go, so shar drove us back to where we were staying.

p.s. the card:




Monday, October 07, 2019

Vacation 2019 - part 4

the day after spending the afternoon/evening with jay, shar, and lil logan,  i spent the afternoon at the waterpark. and this time around, i didnt go swimming. mostly because i didnt feel like it, i also wasnt feeling the greatest either, and i just wanted to paint. i took my art supplies with me and a folding lap table as well, and i set up base near the pool.

while my sister, niece, and sister's boyfriend went swimming, and i think my mom beside me was reading a book. and i believe my dad was working from the place we were staying at. so i had a good chunk of time to just have fun painting. i got distracted with the pigeons, because well they are entertaining, they made me laugh, and i was feeding them food :P i also was teaching them manners, and yelling at the seagulls for being bullies.

for the most part i fed pretty much all the pigeons that were by me, some of the bully seagulls got fed too. the funniest part of all of this, is that a kid throw a bun into the pile of birds, and a seagull took it and flew around the water park. the reason why this was hilarious, because this other seagull charged after the seagull with the bun in the mouth. the seagulls got distracted by the kid who had food, and the pigeons were still by my side.

after i ran out of food, i went back to painting some pictures. i didnt take any pictures of these ones, but i did a painting of two trees with pigeons in the tree. i also did one that was half blue and half pink, with green palm trees & brown trunks, with green plants in front.

when it was time to go, we packed up everything and headed to where we take the shuttle buses back to where we stay. i almost didnt get on because it was packed. i ended up sitting at the very front beside the driver. i sat on the driver side which was the passenger side on the bus, which was very weird feeling for me, because back home it would be the driver side.

while we were getting off the bus, my niece received this neon ball from this boy who was sitting near her. he won a lot of these balls from the arcade, and decided to share his winnings with my niece. she was very over joyed with receiving this neon ball. (my niece is 5 years old).

we were walking to the place we were staying at, my family was way ahead of me, because i was talking with the mom and the boy who gave a ball to my niece. and knowing who i am, i gave them something in return. i showed them two of the paintings that i painted while i was at the waterpark, and they picked the one they loved, which was the palm tree one. i was very happy that painting found a home, and they were excited to received a painting from a stranger. (the next time we saw them, the mom mentioned that she cant stop talking about me and how i gave them a painting of mine. i also created some more paintings, that i kept in my purse during the week, in case i was to see them again. but i never got the chance to reunite with them. but im very glad they received a painting from me. they made my niece extremely happy with the ball. and im glad i was able to make their day in return.)



vacation 2019
vacation 2019 - part 2
vacation 2019 - part 3
vacation 2019 - part 5
vacation 2019 - part 6

Sunday, October 06, 2019

Vacation 2019 - part 3

i posted this picture and caption on my instagram:

For those who wanted to know something interesting about me: i surprised two of my amazing wonderful friends Jay Shar, with 101 handpainted bookmarks, for their new school, Boost Academy.

It was very hard to keep it a secret from both of them. My instagram art account has most of the pictures, twitter was where i talked about what i was doing, and i have a blog post on my art blog.

And, a lot of these bookmarks go with each other. Which i might add, is a very clever thing to do. So this way, for those who have a bookmark from a set, they are able to break the ice and hopefully create new friends. Because their bookmarks are part of a puzzle.

P.s. i had a lot of fun painting these, got them all done before i left for vacation. My painting skills have improved a lot because of the size of paper and my mind was free.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

shar: This is one of the most thoughtful ideas ever!
thegirlwhodroolswhenshesleeps (me): it's something that i thought of doing that could go a long way. And it went with the book theme last year's donation to Lend A Hand Bahamas. And now with the school, bookmarks were the perfect surprise for everyone. i wanted to make enough so everyone who is involved is able to have one and able to pick the one they wanted. There's enough variety that everyone should be happy with their pickings. Im just very pleased you and jay both loved them and im proud of myself for achieving my goal. ♥

boostbahamas: We wanted to wait for the right time to give them out, so we’re going to talk about it at assembly on Oct 7th Monday morning (the idea behind them) and then give each child one and get them to see if they can find their buddies!
thegirlwhodroolswhenshesleeps (me):  sounds like a wonderful plan ♥ thanks for allowing me to donate bookmarks and let my mom and i teach an art class. And hopefully everyone is able to enjoy all the other items we were able to donate as well. ♥
boostbahamas: Today (Oct 7th), we handed out the bookmarks at random and had all of the students go around to try to match up their artwork. They enjoyed it, and (as you thought might happen) they interacted with different people who they may not otherwise have spoken to! Thanks again.
thegirlwhodroolswhenshesleeps (me): you are very welcome :) im glad everyone had fun with the bookmark puzzles and enjoyed the bookmarks as well. i am also glad i was able to put a smile on everyone's faces too. ♥


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


how amazing is that, my art account was featured on boostbahamas instagram stories ♥




vacation 2019
vacation 2019 - part 2
vacation 2019 - part 4
vacation 2019 - part 5
vacation 2019 - part 6

Vacation 2019 - part 2

[back in like march or even april of this year, when i was video chatting with Shar, i mentioned that ill be bringing a lot of my art down for her and Jay. and i know that they are huge supporters of my art, and probably would want to buy some. but because im a tourist in another country on vacation, im not allowed to sell my art. because the money is for the locals, and i dont have a work visa either. so instead of feeling the need to owe me something or wanting to buy my paintings, i suggested to do a trade. ill give them a handful or more paintings in exchange for a photo shoot with jay. and with everything that happened in 2019 with my own life, and how busy their life gotten. i was very surprised to hear a voice note from jay (not that long after i contacted him while landed on the island to start my vacation), talking about this photo shoot that i mentioned months ago. all i kept on saying was "he remembered!"] After showing and going through everything that my mom and I, brought down for Boost Academy and gifts for Jay, Shar, and Lil Logan, we went to Atlantis to an area outside, and had a photo shoot. (I fell in love with jay's work in 2016. and i told myself, if i ever get married, im going to have him take the photos. well, i dont think ill ever get married based on how my life goes with relationships. but i didnt want to keep waiting until the perfect time to do so, and since im going to be 30 in a couple months, now is the time to do something fun with my life.) the photo shoot was a blast, i basically had my dream come true and even more all in one session.

i was with palm trees, one of my favorite trees of all time, i was with two of my favourite people with their newest addition (who live in another country). my mom was with me too. she wasnt in the photos, but i believe she was enjoying seeing her unhappy daughter being happy again.

im not sure where the photos are going to be uploaded/posted too. and personally, i just very much enjoy the moment we had together, that i wouldnt even care if they never get posted. just being able to have fun and not worry about anything, or think about my own life and where it's not going or were it's heading. just being able to be with these amazing friends of mine that i look up to and who are my role models, i love them so much i really do.

[Oct 18th 2019:

Jay was able to capture the happiness that is rare to see and he also was able to capture the beauty i have within.

Instagram:
JMP Studios
Jay Michael Phoenix]

After photo shoot we went out for supper a place near by. That was pretty good. I had my usual (a cheese burger). We made plans for during the week. On Tuesday, jay will be picking my mom and i up, taking us to their new school. And my mom is going to teach an art class, ill be helping. And we might do that all over again on the Wednesday. On the way back to where we are staying, my mom talked with shar and i was talking with jay. Jay was pushing lil logan in the stroller. It was very nice to catch up on everything with jay and all the stuff he does here on the island. His future plans as well, which im very excited for. After the school is all settle and the basement studio is all done, he's going to be doing podcasts. (I listen to him on the radio when im able or watch live videos. He's a dj personality, so ive been following him wherever he goes. So the shows he has or had are going to be podcasts when the time comes.) We also talked about his label savage100 and everything that happened since a year ago. We even talked about who my ex really was and how the relationship was a lie. Let me tell you, my friend was very shocked about my ex and who he turned out to be. And i thanked my friend so much for all the guidance he gave me (without really knowing he did that. I listened to him a lot on the radio during the times of breaking up with my ex.) So i wanted to let him know i appreciate him and fill him in as well of this past year. Boost Academy
JMP Studios

p.s. after i spent the late afternoon and evening with Jay, Shar, Lil Logan i wrote a facebook status:




vacation 2019
vacation 2019 - part 3
vacation 2019 - part 4
vacation 2019 - part 5
vacation 2019 - part 6

Vacation 2019

for those who havent been reading my blog lately, i was on vacation between sept 27th to oct 4th. and i wasnt so much looking forward to this trip either, mostly because of the year ive had, the break up ive had, and how everything has been a lie.

in order for me to have a good time or a decent time on this year's vacation, i needed to change the focus around. and the only way i could do that, is spend the time & energy on my two friends (Jay & Shar) with the accomplishments they have made in the year 2019.

one of their accomplishments is giving birth to their daughter, Logan Grace, in june.

another accomplishment was able to turn Boost Educational Services into a school! yes, that's right. they were able to succeed enough in their tutoring company in able to transform into Boost Academy. and they were able to open up their brand new school in sept 2019! they still do tutoring at the school to those who are needing help, even if they dont attend the school.

[before vacation, the plan was to get baby gifts for Logan Grace.
before vacation, the plan was to get items on the list that shar gave my mom, for the new school. (art supplies, books, and games).
before vacation, the plan was to save paintings for vacation and figure a way to pack them.]

i also wanted to do something special for both my friends and their new school, which turned out to be harder than it should be. usually this happens when i feel like doing something good for someone else, something bad happens, and it makes it even that much harder to do what i set out to do. and for this, getting sick for the month of september didnt help me at all. there were times where i didnt think i could finished what i started or said that i would. and the hard part as well, that majority of the people didnt know what i was doing, and i didnt want to come empty handed. (even tho, my mom and i were planning on donating a lot of items to the new school already, i still wanted to do my part.)

so the something special for both my friends and their new school, was to create 100 bookmarks, create as in handpainted 100 bookmarks with watercolours. not only did i accomplished all that, i even made an extra one as well. plus, i was able to keep it as a surprise from both my friends, the new school, and a lot of other people as well. i did add sneak peaks to my ig art account, i also talked about it on twitter, and i even wrote a blog post on my art account.

[i waited until after my friends saw the bookmarks before i added more pictures to my ig art account, one to my main ig, and more about it on my blogs. plus, i waited until i got home from vacation before i uploaded the video i have talking about the bookmarks.]

moving on to the vacation part:

On Sunday (Sept 29th), my friends came over with their lil one. They were overwhelmed with everything we had for them. They loved my paintings:
the top row, blue painting, and flamingos are their gifts from me. (the graffiti type ones are for Matthew Pinder and the person painting is for Shaton. they both werent on the island, so i gave them to Jay & Shar to pass them along.)

edit: shaton ended up getting the flamingos, which im actually glad that he did. he very much loves flamingos.

i believe maybe even shed some tears when i showed the 101 bookmarks:

They couldn't believe all the work i did and even thought of the students. Some of my bookmarks had more of the tan/dark skin people. They also enjoyed the puzzled typed ones, where they go together so it's an icebreaker and a way to make friends. They thought it was very thoughtful and i should be selling my bookmarks.
I also painted watercolours ones for them that morning/afternoon of meeting them. My jellyfish ones are a hit.


My mom donated a ton of art supplies, books, and board games. And the lil one got her own set of books/games for herself.

(i probably should have taken pictures of all the stuff, but i was enjoying the moment.)





vacation 2019 - part 2
vacation 2019 - part 3
vacation 2019 - part 4
vacation 2019 - part 5
vacation 2019 - part 6