Saturday, June 16, 2018

ugh i hate being home

one thing i hate about being on vacation is going home. i dont remember the last time i enjoyed going home. as much as i dont like being bitten a live or being cold or whatever... i hate going home even more. i know what home brings me and i hate it. i know how ill get back to my random schedule of doing stuff back home... like weird sleeping, playing games, blogging, and being excited for errands. like seriously, im 28 and i enjoy doing errands. yup i pretty much have a boring life. and im pretty sure half the time my parents just feel sorry for me and want to see me smile or laugh so they make up something like they have to go someone where just to take me out. and a lot of times, my walking isnt the greatest so i stay in the parking lot. i told someone this, that i was sitting in the car int he parking lot while my mom was in the store shopping, and i got laughed at. it wasnt the norm for them to just sit in parked cars while people go shopping. and im like im so used to it, it doesnt phase me. i rather sit in the middle of a parking lot than being stuck at home.

there are times where i probably annoy the shit out of people when i start talking.. like actually talking. because i type and read so much that i dont have interactions or convos with people. and i hear my voice and i just natter. talking about all sorts of things and what not. and for this year maybe last year i noticed too, i dunno some time ago i noticed that i stutter. and i really cant pronounce words properly either. and some days compare to other days i really cant walk either. and seeing and hearing all of this, doesnt make me feel good as a person either. cuz here i am, this person who doesnt get out much, doesnt know how to talk and a person who used to be extremely active cant even walk properly.

the other day i was helping my mom with something by stepping on it and when i got off of it, i noticed that my left foot doesnt leave a print. and it's like wow i really dont put that much weight on my foot. and it hits me hard. like ive lived with this for so many years, that i surprises me when i see pictures of my toes not touching, or how high they are off the ground.. how huge my sandals are compare to my feet etc.. i always tell people on twitter that i live with a purple foot, or that i cant run or jump.. most people dont believe me and think im joking. to this day im still not joking about my health.

i cant stay on course with this blog post, that's been happening all week. i have just too much to say. another thing i dont like going home from vacation, is the crap i get back home. like i dunno if youve been keeping up with my posts, but i recently got hated because i have a flag that is autograph from bahamian artists.. which is pretty cool if you ask me. but some people (bahamian guys) did not like it at all. drew so much negative crap to it. that something that was fun is ruined now. i even removed some people because of that post. if i posted that flag while being on vacation, i probably would have gotten mad respect from the bahamians, but because i posted it in canada i didnt get the love that i wanted, i got hate.

being on vacation people dont believe me that i dont look like this back home. as soon as i get back home, i go back to where i was before vacation or worse and i dont like it. this whole week has been basically stormy, rain, wet, and cold. my body is not enjoying it. my face hurts along with my teeth and head. my feet are still swollen and my legs are somewhat too. my left foot the injured one is causing me unwanted discomfort and pain. walking has been extremely difficult for me too. this whole week ive been depressed. and the trip home wasnt helpful either. every day ive been wishing ive was back in the bahamas. 365 days minus vacation days i wish i was in the bahamas.

because i dont live in the bahamas, even tho i so badly want to be living there. my health down there trumps (i hate that the president has ruined this word for me), the bad that i have down there (like allergic reactions, i dont eat much food at restaurants, i can even be cold down there, and other stuff too). but having a life that i dont have up here in canada, and being in less pain, and being able to walk and walk more. and all that good stuff. i wish im there every day.

and now since i have a boyfriend (ben) in my life, it makes me wish bahamas even more because he is there. and he is a joy and a big part of my life in helping me feel better about myself and feel better about my life. he has helped me to do a lot of things that i probably wouldnt have the ability to do if it wasnt for him. like he has made my vacation this trip extra special. he has made my valentine's day this year a keeper. he has made my christmas/newyears one to remember. even the two days well 1.5 days that i met him back in september was still worth it for me. like this boy has done wonders for me in my life, and he makes it much more happier. when im with him i forget the health i have. but the sad thing is we live in two different countries so being with him is actually harder and it makes me miss him even more. and if i focus on how much i miss him, i get all sad and depressed cuz i would love to be with him every day. and we're just not able to do that until we're on vacation.

when im hurting a lot i think of him, bahamas as whole, vacation times, stuff that makes me happy. and if im just tired of thinking, ill listen to music. and based on this post, im pretty sure you can say what or who i listen too, and that is bahamian artists. why, bahamas is my happy place.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Vacation - 2

so i left off saturday evening on my previous post... and well saturday isnt finished yet..

after date dinner with ben, (i have to say, mcdonald's taste better in the bahamas than in canada... just saying..)  i ended up going to a recording studio to listen to new music from Savage100. and let's just back up here for a moment.... i went to MEET SAVAGE100!!!!! and well it was pretty cool. it's hard for me to write about it... so i made a video instead:

the pretty awesome shirt they made for me:

a couple of selfies (shar & renee took, ophine took videos for her instagram story)

couple days after, i met Savage100, i ended up meeting SHATON! like OMG. 

one of my favorite pictures from this trip:

i ended up with a blister from a bug bite, that kinda set me back for the rest of my vacation... as in i wasnt really able to walk much. my boyfriend ended up working in the morning for a couple days, so i wasnt able to see him. but it helped me try to recover from the bad reaction to a bug bite. it just had to bite me on my bad foot.

the day before i went home, i was able to finally go to Hot91.7fm (it's a radio station)... and i ended up being on air. like that's pretty cool. i even wore my Creed Films Media shirt (advertisement baby! plus, i wanted to wear it on my trip and that was my last day to wear it.) i didnt really know what to say, i talk randomly when im nervous or just really excited. im not sure if people that i knew heard me on the radio or not. but it was awesome to hear Jay Issacs rave about me on air! 

after going to the radio station, i went with ben to get his hair cut... boy, was that long. not so much of his hair... but he got the whole works. i dont even know where to start... but he got his hair cut with different tools, he had a face shave/hot towel/cream thing, i dunno im not dude who goes to a barber... but afterwards, he looked mighty fine. 

we (parents and i) showed off his good looks going to senor frogs for lunch. they have good food and yummy drinks, and omg delicious desserts. plus they also have asses hanging from the ceiling. 

overall, i had a very good trip. i am happy i was able to spend time with my boyfriend (ben), to see/meet his friends and family. i spent more times/days with him than when i first met him in september 2017 (that was just 1.5 days of being with him). i am happy i was able to meet Savage100 and listen to new music that never was released because they were still in recording stages. i am happy that i was able to meet Shaton and spend the day with him :D.  i am happy i was able to make it to the radio station of Hot91.7fm & being on air was a bonus. and i am very proud of this:

you can give me all the crap you want with me having an autographed flag. but really all i see is you just mad that i didnt ask for your autograph. i still cant believe how much negative attention i got from posting this flag on facebook/and instagram. i posted it the day after i came home, and im like if i posted this while in bahamas, no one would have cared really. but because i posted this while being home from vacation, and im in another country, i had to be hated upon. i even have a picture of ben, back in september, signing my flag and the picture of just the flag. and not a single person said anything about it. and it really sucked that i did something special with my flag to make my vacation that much more awesome.. and the day after, people are giving me shit for it. like way to ruin something that was fun for me. and if you dont know this, it's very popular in the golf community to have autograph flags. and if you still dont know this, they are actually worth a lot of money with autographs on it... and it's a flag. so stop giving me shit, over a piece of FABRIC. 

some of my responses to the crap i got:
"i love autographs: have a football jersey filled with athlete names, i have a football filled with the same athlete names, i have a tshirt with autographs, i also had a hoodie that had autographs too, i had a pair of shoes that got signed cuz i didnt have something with me, i have cd cases too. and now i have a flag " 

"my guess they believe it's a sign of disrespect.. or whatever. but hey, i paid for this flag many many years ago, and it wasnt that costly either. i wanted to do something special with this flag and i was able to achieve that this trip. and those who signed my flag didnt have a problem with it, and if they had a problem with it they wouldnt have signed it. and like i said above, it goes with my collection of autographs i have. eventually it will be in a frame. plus in my eyes, it gives bahamians more respect because they are famous people who signed their country flag." 

even my boyfriend gave his two cents about it:
"Who is giving you crap about this flag, cause am trying to figure out what the deal is... yeah its a symbol of our country... and thats why shes treating it with the respect that she is... whoever is being petty about this, cut it out, dont try to act all super bahamian, cause half of the protest and cleanups to make the bahamas a better place i sure none of you guys were there... but wonna get mad for bahamian artist autographs on a bahaimian flag, by the way am sure none of you are even supporting. So chill, its a stupid to cry over... get you own flag and dont write on it."

and because of his comment, i have nothing else to say.


Monday, June 11, 2018

Vacation :D

i was on vacation in the bahamas (may 26th to june 9th), and a lot of famous people have expressed their appreciation and love for me. which always takes me by surprise because i never know how much i make an impact on people until i see it for myself. and this trip, i saw it for myself. i have to give huge props/thanks to ben (my boo) in helping me making this vacation one of my favorite ones. because of him i was able to go off the island (i stay on paradise island) to new providence (people referrer it to as nassau) and meet a bunch of people and do a lot of different things.

i was able to spend ben's birthday with him. where we went to a beach and walked on the pathway, we also took a bunch of funny pictures together. i also met some of his family members (karen and rj) and friends (alton, barry, and maria) too. we went out to the poop deck... where i basically just ate buns and extremely garlic potatoes... im not a fish person. and we had birthday cake that his sisters got for him back at where i was staying at. we also gave him the birthday gifts we got for him. (i gave mine on the day i landed.. cuz i couldnt wait for his birthday. i got him a mug with my artwork on it).

i spent a day with ben's brother, john, out driving around doing errands with him. i had fun. seeing different parts of the island that i normally wouldnt see.

we (parents, ben, and i) went to visit baha mar, i never been on the land, just seen it from a far. it was pretty cool, i love the landscape. so many palm trees and pretty flowers and plants too. they have fountains that made me think of vegas. i heard that they light up at night time too. we went inside to check the place out, they have pretty chandeliers. from what i saw, it was mostly just a hotel with a casino. we also got lost trying to get out of it too. it was very different from atlantis, but maybe we just didnt see everything?! i dunno it was confusing. i didnt see any of the pools or the aquariums they have, i dont even know where the flamingos are. but i loved the landscape tho. i took way too many pictures. 

we (parents, boyfriend, and i, along with boyfriend's friend, antonio) went to play archery i dunno what the correct term is, and turns out im actually pretty good at it. however i got a nasty bruise from it. but i still had fun. i can use my left hand and my right hand as well. i dont think im that good to hunt for food, but i can hit the non moving target.

i think the same day we had archery, later on, i ended up going to where barry lived. let's just say people are very shy around me. i think it's cause of my height or my hair. but i met his mom, and his nieces and a baby nephew... he was cute tho. each time i looked at him he looked the other direction. and when i was sitting on the couch looking upwards talking to barry, the little baby was on the ground just looking at me... and when i looked at him he still looked away. i didnt stay for long, ben was there to talk with barry about something, that had to do with something that was happening couple days later.

i went over to where ben lives (his parents' home) and it was so sweet. i met his parents... i felt really bad that i was so much taller than them... (but i knew i was going to be since im taller than ben). his parents dont know that much english (they speak creole - they are haitian) , his dad knows more than his mom. i gave his mom a picture that i drew with crayons (flowers in a vase). she's a sweet lil lady. they live in a blue house. on the inside the first thing you notice were all the pictures on the wall. ben was pointing and saying who was who... and his dad was doing the same thing... afterwards, his dad ended up showing me around, and led me to this one room. it was interesting because the hallways are soo narrow and you almost have to walk sideways. the room was a good size, and in the middle of the room were all the paint supplies. he was telling me the work he was doing and things he wanted to do. i gave him thumbs up and hugs and let him know that i was proud of him. he's a sweet little man, and i wish i could help him. if i ever win the the lottery, some of that money is going towards his family and fixing that house. i also met a family friend who was there, he helped me translate the signs on the wall. (mostly because i dont know french and i dont know creole either. i know some french that i learned in school but it's not even close enough to do anything with it other than asking for the bathroom. and saying hello, please and thank you. and yeah you get where im going with this.) i also met one of his nephews i believe, he was very shy the whole time i was there. apparently he is a kid who doesnt shut up but i barely got him talking... as i was leaving he finally said something. it was cute tho.

i went with ben and his friends (antonio, barry) and ben's sister carly to the mall to watch deadpool 2 together. that was pretty hilarious.. and everyone loved my hair too. we were all standing outside of the mall.. and boy i got attention. this little girl came up to me and said something like "excuse me miss, you have pretty hair" and people were driving by, taking second looks and saying something about "she has crazy hair" but yeah. it was fun.  

i went to mcdonalds after i went to see a movie with the gang, and afterwards it was weird. i talked with this lady about her hair and how much i loved it. than i talked with this senior citizen, just saying having a good day/night.. and this little boy came up to me.. he said something and i didnt know what he said.. so i got down to his level and said "im sorry im not sure what you said" or "i didnt understand you"... and he tried talking again... but this old man like slapped the air and told this boy that he was being rude... and i said "i didnt know what he said... i didnt understand him..." and the old man said "doesnt matter what he said he was being rude.." and the old man caused a scene.. and i saw the boy's father coming up to him... and im like with my hands up and saying "i dont know what he said and i just wanted to hear what he was saying..." and my boyfriend was apparently already out the mcdonalds and he went back inside and i was like "i dont know what he said..." and i was trying to process all what had happened which caused me to tears cuz i still to this day have no clue what the little boy said and why the old man got so mean. - this incident still effects me.

vacation - 2

Friday, May 18, 2018

When times are hard

and your friend(s) are going through a rough patch with a bad breakup. you leave this in the comments:

when i was going through my horrible break up and learning that basically the whole relationship was a lie. every promise he made was his disease talking (he's an alcoholic, extremely bad tempered, im surprised he never hit me). anyways, the relationship i had with him was an abusive one, even tho he didnt hit me he abused me in other forums. the more i read about stages of an alcoholic, the stages of an abusive relationships, all i heard was ding ding ding.

it was very hard for me to get through it, im glad i never was engaged (even tho a promise and a "thought" was made for having it on my birthday), glad i wasnt married to him, and honestly i didnt care what happened to him afterwards. i wanted to get out, i wanted to end things, and i didnt want to feel like shit again.

after that break up, my sister told me that what you wanted or thought you had with him were just thoughts. it was an idea. it was something that you wanted. they werent real with that person, because he never wanted any of the promises he made. everything that i wanted, can still happen with someone else, because that exboyfriend never owned my thoughts. he never deserved me either. he wasnt the one to make me happy.

the first couple months were hard, the more stuff i read and learned, the happier i got because i wasnt with him anymore. yes i was pissed that all these years of being with me he lied. every single day. and yes i fell for it. and yes it changed how i thought about myself, how i dressed, how i just thought period. once i got back into who i was before i met this guy, i became a better healthier happy person. i still have troubles with some things, cuz he did leave a mark. im still recovering from what he did to me. but it does get better over time, well it did for me anyways.

the relationship i have now, is the best i ever had. we're in two different countries with two different timezones. ive talked with him more times than any of my previous relationships. he's the only boyfriend that has gotten me a christmas gift (the only guy who wanted to spend holidays with me.. he even flew out here for two weeks to be with me around christmas time), he's the only boyfriend that thought of me on valentine's day.. he lives in another country and he bought me flowers, teddy, and chocolate.. and he bought my mother flowers for her birthday. he's even planning on picking me up at the airport when im on vacation down there (bahamas) where he lives. like everything about him and what he is doing and how is treating me, is what ive always wanted in a relationship. and it finally exists for me.

from what ive been through, reading what you are going through, brings up my own memories which makes me cry and i cry harder for you and what you are going through. but i believe someone is out there for you, your time will come, and you deserve happiness <3

Saturday, May 12, 2018

i love music

one thing that i love about social media, is that you get to listen to music. it's different than turning on the radio and listen to whatever people are playing... but you get to interact with the artists behind that music you are listening too. you can follow them on twitter, instagram, spotify, soundcloud, you can even be their facebook friend too.. music is everywhere and you get to be a part of it all.

if you have read my blog or blogs, you know that i really love music. it's an escape for me. i get to be distracted from what's happening, it helps me with my health and get through the pain i live with. it gives me something too. it calms me, it makes my body move, and it helps me make friends too. life wouldnt be the same without the music. music makes us alive.

on twitter, when i was posting Duckie's newest song Darvin Told Me, (trying to get his plays up), i came across a tweet. this tweet had a link to a soundcloud from a guy named MIKÄEL, who comes from Sweden. the song that was shared, Underground, is a powerful & gorgeous song. it didnt seem real either, like it took you somewhere else. it was that good. as im listening to his soundcloud, this guy can really sing. and im so very thankful, that i came across this tweet. 

Saturday, April 14, 2018

i love what i do...

so i have a knack with saying things about people i enjoy listening too. like it just rolls off my tongue and i dont have control of it either. i do it with my boyfriend all the time.. and i tell him that i need a life.. cuz it sounds like im a stalker

anyways, i shared a song on twitter with Shaton & Johnny Greg called Run Away.. and one of the people who follow me actually listened to their song... and messaged me about if i know them personally. i gave them the run down on how i know both of them, and she agrees that their music needs to be heard. (which is what ive been trying to do, because they are that good.)

she @BeckysKillinIt "Well if they ever wanna sponsor one of my hashtag games just let me know. I'm not selling anything either. But I've let people sponsor my games before to get there product or music out there & the music should be heard"

hashtag games are live events on twitter where you follow what the hashtag is. it's really fun when you are good at the hashtag given. ive used many of these games on twitter, to promote bahamian, south african, and american artists. ive gained a lot of followers from playing these games as well. it's a great way to get yourself heard.

so if you want to listen to these incredible artists please follow and support them ♥



Friday, April 13, 2018

Everyone is getting married...

when you are that one person who still isnt married, it feels like everyone around you is. like it's always the people who you are friends with on facebook or follow on other social media accounts.. even your family members are getting married and you are still in the same place you were for who knows how long.. like i dunno it gets annoying, frustrating, and a slap in your face that you arent good enough to be that person who has found someone and have the ability to get married.

over easter break, i had a friend on social media and my cousin who both got engaged to their boyfriends of so many years. ive been seeing bahamian artists that ive watched grow over the months/years and they posted pictures of them being engaged and now they are posting their wedding pictures too. or you have people that you went to school with, and they are now having babies. like its crazy.

ive been so emotional today, it's driving me mad. when i see wedding photos posted i go crazy, im happy as i can be that they are married and whatnot, but i still look at myself and im like am i ever going to get married. ive been wanting to get married since i was a kid and ive been wanted to get married in the bahamas since i was 9. and based on that piece of information, when it comes oct 2019, that will be 20 years of wanting to be married in the bahamas. like its crazy if you think life like that.. which i do. i go by numbers, years, and where my life is now and where it's still is.  i compare my life to other peoples lives and it does my head in it really does.

each boyfriend ive had, ive wanted to get married to them. i even planned out my weddings for each person. and each wedding was different. because of my age, tastes/likes, who i was with at the time, etc. the one that hit the hardest was my last ex... the one where it basically was the a lie the full almost 3 years. the one where i full out was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. i didnt get physical beat but i was always afraid i would be. anyways, he said he was going to propose to me for one of my birthday, but that never happened cuz i ended up dumping his lying ass. i knew that if i was to marry him, thank god i never did, it wouldnt be a good marriage and i may not have gotten  out of it. and that scares me a lot. like going back in time thinking what my life would have been like if i was still in that relationship. and as im sitting here writing this, im crying my eyes out. cuz comparing to what i have now, to what i could have had, im very glad i have the life i have now.

and knowing that, it makes me put being married back on the back burner. i dont need to continue to feel sorry for myself or thinking im not going to get married or whatever. just because i want to get married, doesnt mean it's good to be married. i rather be married and stay married than end up being divorce. if i could avoid being divorced i dont want to marry that person.

i also dont live in the life that everyone lives in either. and i probably am not even wife material because i dont do that other people do. like i dont work nor do i drive. based on my health being pregnant and having kids isnt a best option to have. i get kinda stuck in a house way to long, because of winter months and not able to get out much. like i gave give a whole lot more reason why or how im not wife material, but still a part of me still wants to be married.

i dunno. it's a weird topic to have or discuss. like my parents got married at a young age. my oldest sister isnt married but has a kid, and is seeing someone. my second oldest sister got married at a young age, has with 3 kids. my brother was married at a young age but that turned into a divorced and has 2 kids. and there is me, im not married, i dont have kids, and the person i am seeing lives in another country. like im not the typical one in this family. im like the odd one out. and it gets sad tho, when i go to events or family gatherings, and it's just me. and everyone else has someone with them.

im past the mark that i wanted to be married at, because i wanted to be like the majority of my family members, but i never was like my family members. because i still do not work or drive. and the older i get, it's like maybe this isnt going to happen. and it's totally fine if i dont get married. yes i probably will be sad, but it's for the better. it's more the fact that ive wanted something since i was a kid, and im still not able to get it. it's like ive been injured for so many years and ill never be healed. or ive been wanting to live in the bahamas or become a bahamian for so many years of my life, and that still hasnt happened.

ive always been told to make goals or dreams so you can work on it to make it happen. yeah that aint happening. i most likely will never be able to run or jump again. being married in the bahamas will still be an option.. but as the family gets bigger and things get more costly, the chances of that happening goes back down again.. like it's up and down a lot. and having deaths in the family, than you cant have the set wedding party or who's invited cuz people are no longer with us. like it's a lot of pressure and stress that goes into planning a wedding. ive accepted the fact by the time if i ever get married, i wont have any grandparents attending. and that's a part of life. you have to accept and adapt to the new changes.

and that being said, im ending this blog post.

"if it's in the cards, it will be in the cards"
"if it's meant to be, it's meant to be"

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Spring is finally here...

... well we still have snow on the ground... but my hair is different :D


at the salon

 my roots and green sections are being lightening/bleached:

the results of that: 

pink roots on right with purple hair and some blue streaks.
purple roots on left with pink hair and some blue streaks.
blue roots on back with pink and purple hair.

end results:

from their ig account:

Alter Ego's Hair Co


Thursday, March 15, 2018

A Dog Dies

a friend of mine shared this tweet post, on facebook and i decided to comment on it.. i ended up being blocked by a chick who i wasnt even friends with. 

more information on the dog dying on the airline:
Dog Dies In Overhead Bin On United Flight; Airline Apologizes
The dog was put inside an overhead bin on a United flight. It didn't surviveDog’s death on United flight could lead to criminal charges

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Shut Up Dude

dude: Heyyy
dude: Would you be willing to at least grab your favorite song from the new project for .99 ? 😇
me: i actually dont buy things online, im more of going into a store and buying cds kind of gal
dude: Umm...? Lol I mean u can buy a physical copy online lmao
me: i dont buy online
me: i pay in cash
dude: You buy plane tickets to see ben online right?
me: i dont buy plane tickets me: my dad buy tickets dude: Lol so all the Bahamian artist you’ve never bought there music? me: nope dude: Lol I mean I guess that’s support me: ive downloaded a lot from soundcloud dude: Just suprised me me: why me: not everyone buys online me: i dont even work dude: I mean it’s the only way to buy local music and you’re a big supporter dude: I’m not mad or anything just suprised dude: Are you in a bad mood? me: no. i just dont see how this is a big deal or you being surprised that i dont buy online dude: You’re always online dude: lol me: and ive only seen ben once in the bahamas me: i play games - and i dont pay to play free games either
dude: I’m always online but for money reasons it’s like a job almost
dude: But yeah
dude: Idk why you are taking me personally
dude: It isn’t a big deal at all
dude: Dang
dude: Lol
me: i could just not talk to you if you have a problem with me talking to you
me: like i dunno how else im supposed to talk to you
me: i told you i dont buy online and we are in a discussion about me needing to buy online because i support people
dude: I didn’t say you had to buy ever me: like im pretty sure you dont buy everything you listen too dude: I buy a lot me: "I mean it’s the only way to buy local music and you’re a big supporter" dude: Yeah i wouldn’t guess u didn’t buy it
dude: You invest a lot of time into supporting
me: i dont have a life
me: im basically stuck in this house most of the time
me: i watch tv, use the computer, sleep when i can, and eat random food
dude: Lmao
dude: Ic
dude: Just a convo miss! me: yeah a weird one dude: Lol not trying to get beat up lol dude: how? me: not sure why you would even think that
dude: think what? me: because you should have just left at me saying i dont buy online and instead of having this discussion with me
me: and thinking im all mad and why im talking to you like this and blah blah blah
me: like im not the only one who doesnt buy online
me: so that shouldnt be a surprise
me: when people in fact still go to stores to buy stuff
dude: I never said they didn’t
dude: I do all the time me: so why are you surprised that i dont buy stuff online?
dude: I’ve answered that question like three times
dude: It’s no big deal at all me: and ive told you from the start i dont buy online and we are still in a discussion
me: if its not a big deal why are you still talking about it dude: ???
dude: You are tripping
dude: Sorry I said anything
dude: Hope you get in a better mood me: you are mad that im not buying your music dont take it out on me dude: I’m not mad
dude: At all
dude: What are you talking about???
dude: Why would I be mad?
me: if you werent mad you wouldnt be saying im tripping and asking what im talking about and giving me this crap dude: U share and support all the time me: i dont have to buy stuf me: there is no rule that you must buy the people's music that you support dude: I never said you did me: you keep on saying i never said you did when you did dude: ??? I usually buy stuff I like and support?! me: "You are tripping" me: "Hope you get in a better mood" dude: That wasn’t me being mad at you about that me: "Lol not trying to get beat up lol" me: "Just a convo miss!" dude: yeah me me: "Idk why you are taking me personally" dude: Not trying to get beat up by you Cuz you are angry
dude: Obviously
dude: Lol
dude: And I was joking
me: "Are you in a bad mood?" dude: Like what’s with you??? me: what's with you dude: That has nothing to do with you buying or not buying it me: you assumed i buy stuff online, never did i once said i buy stuff online. you could have just left this convo with my messaging saying that i dont buy stuff online dude: I didn’t assume dude: I asked dude: Then said I was suprised me: again why the fuck would you be surprised if not everyone buys stuff online? me: most people wont continue this convo with me knowing that im not going to buy their stuff me: like this convo makes me not like you dude: Well we talk all the time? dude: I’m not trying to get u to buy anything dude: ? me: plus you assumed that i buy tickets to go see ben, i only saw him once, and i was on vacation with my parents, meaning my parents as in my dad buys the tickets not me me: serisouly you are giving me that shit me: "Would you be willing to at least grab your favorite song from the new project for .99 ? 😇" me: that is wanting me to buy your stuff dude: After u said u don’t idc anymore dude: ? me: you wrote that first. me: than i replied. me: you are wanting me to buy your music, im not going to buy your music
dude: You said that already me: i dont want to be forced to buy people's music that i dont want to buy dude: At the beginning me: but yet you are still here talking to me dude: I’m not trying to change your mind dude: ?? We’ve talked a lot ?? me: so end the convo and move on to someone else who cares about your music and actually wants to buy it dude: for real?? me: stop using question marks me: you know how to read dude: Well sorry I considered you a friend? me: im not going to buy your music dude: We’ve talked a million times and that’s ok me: i dunno why you are still talking to me me: so you should have already known that i dont buy music but yet you insisted on telling me to go buy your music me: and giving me excuses that people who support should buy music and blah blah blah
me: like stop talking dude dude: I didn’t give you excuses me: you did too dude: i didnt me: should i continue to quote you
dude: I said you can’t really buy local music in stores dude: And that’s a fact dude: And that was all me: you can buy local music in stores dude: Sometimes yes and at certain spots yes but it’s harder me: you can buy local music when you go see them live too. but hey i dont live in that country or your country either and i most likely wont be seeing you live either dude: Hence why SoundCloud exist me: you still can do it. so i just proved you wrong me: so stop saying you cant and i never said that when you did in fact said that crap me: so again stop talking me: we're not friends dude: Because I asked about copping a single ? me: stop asking questions like seriously me: if you know how to read your answers are already there dude: It wasn’t like I said do it or I will never talk to you or tried to force you or anything idk me: shut up dude me: we're not friends me: take the hint and stop talking dude: wow me: SHUT UP DUDE dude is typing me blocked his messages

this guy and i were never "friends". he would randomly talk to me about ben (my boyfriend) in a weird awkward matter... when he himself is married... so i dunno why you need to be talking to me for about my boyfriend... also, when i talk to him, i talk to him about his music and his facebook page. we havent talked a million times either. and if we were friends, he would know i dont buy stuff online. evening my gaming friends know i dont pay to play free games. and if we were friends, you would know by now that just because i liked your music doesnt mean ill continue to like it. and youll also know why im online so much. like seriously dude.

when he continue to talk to me after i told him i dont buy stuff online. and he brought up ben.. like why the fuck would you bring up my boyfriend in this convo when it has nothing to do with him? thinking that ive seen him a lot, (tickets) ummm if you read my facebook since we are "friends" youd know that ive only saw him for a day and half while i was on vacation with my parents. and he came to me and i didnt pay for his tickets either. like if i say i dont buy stuff online, it means i dont buy stuff online, so why would i be buying tickets?! but still, why bring up someone that has nothing to do with your music?!

many people support each other, you dont have to buy music. i share people's music around so others can listen to it, i share the links where they can go buy the artists' music. doesnt mean i have to buy their music. and every time people try to sell me their music, i say the same thing to them, that i dont buy music online, i dont buy stuff online, im a cash gal, i go to stores to buy my stuff.. and most people just end the convo. they dont need to go on and on about it like you did.

this guy during this convo, i removed him off my friend's list, cuz i really dont like how he was treating me... wanting me to buy his music, thinking im mad, im trippin, i need a better mood, etc... saying he never said that or did that, when he actually did do that... umm if we were "friends" youd know how i have convos with people. like i said above i blocked his messages because he wont shut up either, usually when a girl gives you a warning to shut up, you SHUT UP DUDE. i dont like him anymore either, ive unfollowed/blocked him on everything i have him on. he lost a fan and a supporter over this convo that HE STARTED WITH ME about BUY HIS MUSIC. sorry i dont like you that much to change my rule about buying stuff online. BUH BYE.

(p.s. ignore the weird spacing if this blog post has it, it wont let me fix it)

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Frozen 2 - elsa is gay?!

a topic (elsa being gay) that certain parents dont want to be explaining to their children why she is kissing a girl.... and this is my answer: 

honestly, this shouldnt be a surprised that elsa is gay. the first movie was all about women, and that you dont need a man in your life. and you shouldnt marry someone you barely know. 

every disney movie that comes out, people have to explain to thei
r children why its this and why its that and blah blah blah blah. if you are totally against that movie, dont let your kids watch it that simple. when i was a child i wasnt allowed to watched certain tv shows or movies. and i watched a lot of movies that really at my age i shouldnt be watching... and because of that i have nightmares and scarred for life from certain movies that ill never watched again.

a lot of kids can relate or identify themselves with the characters or princesses of disney movies. there was a lot of talk over the race of one princess and why there isnt one for this race, so they ended up making many races for princesses. so why cant they make a princess that is gay, when they have all these straight princesses marrying men?! 

also, there was a gay character in beauty and the beast (live film) when really that wasnt a surprise either, but yet everyone had something to say about that.

disney is allowed to do what they pleased. and a lot of these fairy tales, not the disney versions, those are pretty messed up and explaining that to your children is like why would you even. 
on another point... disney movies and the lack of parents... a lot of disney movies dont have parents or they have a single parent, or they are raised by animals... do you explain all of this to your children? because not every household has both parents, some are raised by a single parent, some are raised by their grandparents, some are raised by other people that arent related to them etc... so if disney is able to have kill off parents, they should have the ability to have a gay princess in one of theirs. 

and on a different note, i personally disliked what disney did with having a black princess in the family, because that princess was a frog for most of that movie (princess and the frog). while the other princesses didnt change their appearance, unless you were mulan who changed yourself into a "man" so you can get honor to your family. 

disney movies are filled with controversial topics, and adults to this day are still coming up with different theories for all the disney movies.. so this shouldnt have come as a surprise, as to having a gay elsa. if she wasnt gay, i dont think she would be the marrying type. and a lot of disney princesses have them marrying dudes well "prince charming".

(i dunno if you know this, but there's a lot of  movies (disney or not) that ive watched as a kid, and ive rewatched* them (as an adult) and the story line is completely different. there are some that i still dont get or understand, there are movies as a kid id just watch the singing parts so i never really watched the full thing. there are other movies where people talk about and im like i dont remember that... like bambi, i have a vague memory of it and i still dont remember the death in that. and there are some movies, that i watched as a kid like ive mentioned and they scared the shit out of me and i havent rewatched them at all and i dont plan to either... brave little toaster, ferngully, jetsons the movie, page master, hook,  and a bunch of others... 

*mrs. doubtfire used to scare the shit out of me.... when robin williams died, i rewatched that movie... i understood it and im like this is actually a really good movie. ) 

so really, when you are a kid most of the stuff you watch goes over your head, but when you are an adult you learn a whole lot more... and i believe having a gay princess with help those young girls struggling and trying to fit in with society.  - maybe in the future disney will add more LGBTQ characters into their films, who knows. but props for disney for making a change in their movies, it's about time too.

Thursday, March 01, 2018

Thanks For Understanding

you are an amazing person. you dont let your illness get you down. you are pretty funny as well. and it shows you are a caring person. and you dont need to ask someone a bunch of questions or understand why they are like that or asking if you tried this or tried that and blah blah blah. its like listen i know my body. ive had this for many years. i know what works and i know what doesnt work. and somethings you just dont know until it happens and i have to recover from it. like people who dont understand or agree to accept this is who you are, are people who just dont get it and im tired of explaining myself to people or yelling at them or like removing people cuz they just dont understand. and telling me why im so angry at them or why i look down or whatever and its like this is my life. this is why i dont post pictures of my health cuz i get bombarded with people talking to me and saying im doing stuff wrong or id idnt try hard enough. like when you dont have a cure for yourself you dont have a cure. ive already accepted it and ive moved on. we all have our own struggles and life crap we deal with. i dont need to be told this or that. just let me live my life. those who are supports and understand and sending love and prayers and good thoughts etc. those are the supportive people that dont bring people stress or anxiety which can mess that person who is dealing with pain up even more. im glad you understand, and im glad we became friends over laughing at posts. laughter helps all of us. it focus the energy on something else, it distracts out brains from what is happening. you are a strong person, you have your own rhythm that you go with. you know when something is wrong or unusual, you know what you can do and cant do. you also inspire others, that if so and so can do this i can do this too. my boyfriend recently broke his hand. i gave him all the advice that i know from my own experience of how to help with the pain. how you need to elevate your hand above your heart. pay attention to the time ont he medication and when you take it. dont overdose on it. if it doesnt work dont take it. get a lot of sleep if you can. after it comes of this is what you should do to continue healing etc. my mom even gave the same info i gave him. and the sweet thing about him is that he told me that he got a glimpse of what my life is like living in so much pain and not able to take anything for it. but one thing about him, he has a cast on for 3 weeks and he is better afterwards. me, ill always be injured. ill always be unhealthy. ill always have problems. this and that. and a lot of times, im jealous of those people who are able to be healed after something. and they are as good as new. but my life, im that unicorn. i prove doctors wrong all the time. i laugh at a lot of things that happen to me, cuz people like i ididnt see this coming, and i say i know it was going to happen it was just a matter of time. i let people in and i dont let people in. its up to them if they are able to grasp what im going through or how im going through it. i see life in a whole different way than the "average" person. i really am this loving person who thinks of people, i send them gives in games that i play, i love helping people, i do so much that people dont understand that im actually this person who has all these problems and not able to do much for it. and people on the computer they dont see me. and when they do, you mostly see my top half of my torso and my hair. people in person, they dont always see what im living with, because i do have good days. or if im on vacation, im a completely different person and barely any of them believe me when i say i dont look like this back home. but those people who have their own problems can see that im different, that i have problems too. im sorry that this is long. im just glad that you understand and i understand what you are living with too. i dont have diabetes but it runs in my family. and i just want to say that you may have bad days and miserable days and hard days, but you are still living and you can get through it until you are back to your "normal" self again.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Read Profiles

i havent been writing much lately on anything cuz ive been dealing with a lot of pain.... and im tired of talking to people and explaining shit to people... ive been avoiding them and just playing games lately on the computer.... check out kongregate. anyways...

last week i think, i dont even remember anymore.. i had an orthodontist appointment.. it was time to get tray 3 for my teeth.. i started with another treatment method to fix my teeth (had braces for not even 1 year, had to have an emergency removal. had a squishy retainer that i was allergic too, had retainers that made me barf a lot... my teeth shifted a lot, got sick didnt wear them, couldnt fit at all... a crown popped off, had to wait until i got that fixed.. so i finally was able to go back to the orthodontist to get a new treatment plan... so i started with clear correct). anyways, so i was on tray 3... and tray 3 is different you have to have bumps on your teeth and they help move your teeth in these trays.. however it backed fired... the bumps are made out of the filling stuff, and the process was a pain in the butt. lots of pressure lots of pain. i ended up with 7 of these glue bumps on my teeth. the trays were extremely tight to put in, and i couldnt get them out. had to wait until later on that day to remove them... a pain in the butt, the only way to remove them is by yanking them out. my mouth kills.

these bumps are heaving on my teeth, my right eye tooth has no nerve, and it's always a problem tooth and it caused a lot of pain too. it has a stupid bump on it and it's not helping. my body was reacting to this pressure. my right side of my back was reacting.. i had these blood spots all over... they are like zits but instead of puss they are blood. they hurt a lot too. i had some on my stomach too. i couldnt eat much cuz the bumps got in the way and my teeth felt so gross too. i couldnt wear these trays for along period of time (im supposed to have them in for 22 hours a day).

saturday, my head was really killing me so i took what i can take which is cold and sinus advil. it helped my face/head pain. i was able to go out with my dad to do errands. i thought it fixed my head pain... however.. the next day, sunday, my nervous system shut down... i barely could walk. my foot turned purple, like death purple. my ankle killed so much. it was not fun.  - sunday morning is when i stopped wearing my trays while sleeping.. like it was hurting my left side of the mouth.

it was sunday or monday that my mom emailed the orthodontist, i dont remember, explaining everything that has happened to me. on tuesday i was squeezed in at lunch to what i thought was removal of these bumps turned into reducing them and reducing the trays to remove the pressure that i have. btw, i was in a wheelchair for this appointment because i cant walk well. well i shouldnt walk but i walk anyways... as in walk as in it's not a pretty sight.

tuesday after noon, i was doing errands with my mom.. i was in the car while she went in stores. i took pictures of my foot earlier and i video of me walking down stairs and walking on the floor to my room. i sent them to my boyfriend so he can understand or see what i see. it didnt make him feel well they made him sad.  anyways, i posted these same pictures and video to my facebook.

(i dont post much pictures of my health because people ask me so many questions and say stupid shit and it annoys the crap out of me.) most of my comments were thoughtful loving ones. one, i didnt like his comment so i unfriended him. another one i didnt even reply to her comment. cuz i didnt want to start the God Topic on her. a gal commented on one of the pictures asking whats wrong... so i explained what happened recently... (ive told this person many times of what i live with since ive been her friend on facebook and she still doesnt remember that i have health crap.. its annoying).

another person messaged me asking me why i live in pain 24/7 and she went on about doctors and if im seeing any or on medication and all this shit. like seriously lady. shut the fuck up. each time she said something, i got even more upset with her. basically she refused to accept the fact that this is my life and doctors cant help me. doctors is the reason why my life is like this. doctors tell me things that im the rare case in calgary let alone canada. doctors tell me that they cant help me. i tell them im not textbook and they dont believe me. doctors give me medication because they think this is best for me and it ends up giving me really bad allergic reactions. so no, i dont need a doctor. there is no cure for me so accept it and move on, or dont be my friend.

if you are facebook friends with me, and you actually pay attention to my posts... youll know i have a lot of health crap that i deal with. that i live in alot of pain. that im allergic to pain killers even weed too. that im also allergic to alcohol and alot of antibiotics. if you read my about me section on facebook, it will give you links to what i live with. why not clicking those. all your answers are on my profile. you just have to read and pay attention. coming online and messaging me about my problems, questioning me shit, like seriously you think you are helping me?! you are making me even more pissed off. im in so much pain and i cant take anything for it. and i have to keep on explaining myself for you to get you to understand.

i live with RSD which is now CPRS.
i live with fibromalgia.

just because stuff works for you or doctors work for you, doesnt mean they work for me. so accept the fact this is my life. and dont talk to me when im in a lot of pain, cuz youll get a very pissed off frustrated bitch coming your way.  this is my life not yours. so shut the hell up please.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Happy Valentine's Day - 2

so this is love....

we went out for lunch to celebrate my mom's birthday (she shares the same day with valentine's day).  when we got home, my dad got home first.. and he saw something on the door/driveaway or something... and it told him to go next door to pick it up (because we were not home). so he came back to the house with flowers in his hands. one for my mom (her birthday) and one for myself (for valentine's day). they both came from my dad. how sweet of him.  

in my spot (on the kitchen table), i had a box of chocolates and a wrapped gift. im not sure if the chocolates came from my dad, i know that he gets chocolates for my mom every year on her birthday. but i know that the gift came from my mom (every year since i was little and can remember, my mom would give valentine's gifts to each of her kids to celebrate valentine's day. it also was nice, in case we didnt get anything from our friends or boyfriends or whomever. we can always count on our parents surprising us each valentine's day.)


a couple to few hours after, my boo (ben) was messaging me letting me know that my mom and i should pick up unknown numbers for today and the next few days... [for the past week he has been asking me if i got weird numbers calling me, if we pick up calls we dont know who they are, information about my mailing address, my address, if taxis got the address if they know where to go etc... and im like this boy is up to something...]

so he sent me a text message... i asked what did he do... the doorbell rings... there is a guy who was asking if this was the right house and other stuff.. and im like i just had this convo with ben the other day... this has to be from ben... sure enough it was from ben. (he wanted pictures of me opening it and all that, but that just couldnt happen. i tried calling him to ask him a couple questions... just to make sure of something...) inside this box, there were two vases, two bouquet of flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear and a card.  i had to make sure if one of the flowers (purple) were for my mom, and sure enough they were. ben got my mom flowers for her birthday. how sweet. it made my mother tear up.

i myself, was and still am in shocked and im extremely speechless that my boo did this..

yes, lots of pictures were taken.... my mom was taking pictures of me... she even got pictures of me talking to ben...

i even took my own set of pictures to show off what ben did... like i still cant believe this happened...


i posted these pictures on my facebook in different posts... and the feedback im getting, "definitely a keeper, he's a keeper, keeper..." and me im just sitting here trying to type this blog with complications cuz pictures were all over the place... and im like this guy is from the BAHAMAS and he sent me FLOWERS, a CARD, CHOCOLATES, and a TEDDY BEAR for valentine's day... and he sent my MOM FLOWERS FOR HER BIRTHDAY without knowing purple is her favorite colour.

this guy (ben, boo, boyfriend, man) is an extremely thoughtful, romantic, lovable, magical (i still cant believe this happened so im running out of things to say....) long story short, im incredible happy that he is in my life, and i love him so very much. im lookin forward to the next time i get to see him. ♥  

p.s. i sent him a valentine's card last month. it arrived last week, and he was able to open it/read it today. it was me in a card, and he loved it very much. (it was a long one, but if you know me i do write long, so im glad i was able to find a card that i basically would have said the same thing if i was to write it..) i wrote a little message in it, and the fact i ran out of room. but im glad he had something to open up on valentine's day and to know that he was thought of and that he is loved. 

Happy Valentine's Day all. i hope you all had a wonderful day, celebrating with the people you love and the people who love you. 

Happy Birthday to my mom, and to those who have their birthday today as well.